Five Pokes

Gentle Reminder

2011-05-05T00:40:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while we all get a gentle reminder.
Mine came yesterday.
I met a man who was wearing two breast cancer awareness bracelets.
While sitting in his office I noticed several cancer awareness ribbons and a Revlon Run/Walk Medallion hanging on his wall.

It turns out that this man lost his daughter to breast cancer.
He shared this with S and I at the end of our meeting as we were saying our goodbyes. He had commented on the rubber bracelet S was wearing and asked what the significance was. S explained his bracelet and said he wears it because of his mom and then gently put his hand my shoulder - as this man began to ask, I politely interjected that I am a breast cancer survivor, he then went on to share that he lost his daughter to breast cancer.

As S and I walked to our car to go about with the rest of our day I had one of those "aha" moments where you have to stop and take it all in. This was my gentle reminder. The reminder that thankfully I am still here.

I continue to be grateful that I can learn from all of these experiences and embrace the adventures in life.
And I continue to feel incredibly blessed.

Saturday I will be surrounded by 50,000 gentle reminders as I along with team Wings of Courage participate in our 2nd Revlon Run/Walk for women's cancers. Our fundraising has been amazing -- as a result of incredible generosity we have surpassed our team goal and as of this writing I am just shy of my personal goal.

Like last year I am walking in memory of my mom, Linda L. Carlish, my step mom, Jacqueline Carlish, and my aunt, Patricia Cozzini. Three dynamic women who all battled breast cancer but sadly lost their fight too soon.

I am proud to be a survivor.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T21:10:00.000-08:00

So much to be thankful for...
So much to be grateful for...

Hoping that the beginning of the holiday season is filled with love, peace and happiness

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Another Year Older!

2010-10-03T18:00:00.000-07:00

I have always been a big fan of birthdays. The cake, the balloons, the presents... I know some people have real issues with turning a year older. Not this gal. Even before getting sick I enjoyed my special day. Now it has become a true reminder that life is worth celebrating. M and S made my day very special and the three of us enjoyed a nice dinner out.

The day was filled with many unexpected surprises. I was interviewed by a reporter for an article they were doing about weSpark and a big event they are having on October 4, 2010.

I found out that my Wings of Courage Pendant was going to be tweeted about and was going to be featured on the blog skinny purse.

And I was showered with wonderful b-day greetings from friends, family and my FB peeps.

As I embrace this new year I continue to be so blessed.
Ancora Imparo

Marla

So Sorry For Your Loss...

2010-07-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

We got word yesterday that a dear friend of ours lost her sister to lung cancer.
Our heart goes out to J and the entire K family during this time.

This truly reminds me how precious life is.
How fragile life is.
And how important it is to take the time to cultivate the things that we deem as important or fulfilling.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Hey Stranger

2010-07-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

It feels like ages since I have posted.
Thankfully all is well in our corner of the world.

The big medical update is that the aromatase inhibitor I have been taking has just gone generic! I welcomed my $15 copay with open arms... I shrieked with such enthusiasm at my local CVS they asked me if I was okay. I didn't want to bore them with the details of having to get samples from my doctor for the last couple of years because I couldn't afford the cost of the medication and didn't qualify for the program the pharmaceutical company offers so, I quickly controlled my excitement, gathered my goodies and headed out doing a happy dance the entire way home.

Recent checkups have all been great. I continue to be monitored and will return in early September for more tests. I welcome these checkups as a way to be proactive. Earlier this week I saw Dr. B, my reconstruction surgeon, it's been close to six months since I have seen him. He continues to be really pleased with how things turned out. I must say, I am really happy as well.

I was recently featured in a newspaper article in the Burbank Leader. It was beautifully written by Chloe Mayer and included two fantastic photos that Tim Berger took. Both parties are staff for the LA Times/Burbank Leader. The interview came out of the blue and was truly special. I am honored to be able to share my story and touched that people want to read it.

Cancer Survivor Gives Back

Wings of Courage necklaces are still going strong. Last week I made the donation for necklace sales for the first two quarters of 2010 to the WOC designated charity partners - Young Survival Coalition and weSpark Cancer Support Center.

Today I found out that actress Samaire Armstrong recently wore a Wings of Courage necklace to an event and was photographed on the red carpet. Pretty cool indeed.

Samaire Armstrong

I feel incredibly blessed to be able to reach others through my journey. I continue to learn lessons and grow from this experience. I have truly have so much to be grateful for.

Ancora Imparo

Marla

What's New?

2010-06-10T23:06:00.000-07:00

Long time no posting.

This past Saturday S and I participated in the San Fernando Valley Relay for Life event.
This was especially moving as S was part of the honor guard presenting the opening flag ceremony.
The first lap at these events is for the survivor and it truly is an honor to be able to walk this lap.
The second lap is for the survivor and those that supported them on their journey.

All scans and tests are a-o-k. My thyroid seems to be the latest body part that is under a watchful eye. It turns out I have some calcified nodules that are being monitored. This is new news. I have never had a thyroid issue. Chemo has been known to destroy thyroids although it seems that my nodules have been there for a long time... In a few more months I will go in and have another thyroid ultrasound just to make sure they are not growing.

I have been getting more physically active. My now post menopausal body is grateful for the attention. I am attending a weekly oncology fitness class and as a family we are enjoying a lot of outdoor activities with S's new BS troop.

I continue to learn so much from this journey and truly have so very much to be thankful for.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Join the Team

2010-04-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, May 8, 2010, we will be walking in the Revlon Run/Walk to raise awareness for women's cancers.

Right around the time this journey began for me, I was truly touched when a friend asked if she could have a picture of me for her Run/Walk bib. She explained to me why she was walking and that her bib was to honor those women in her life who were battling cancer. A week after she finished her walk I recieved a note from her in the mail along with her medal that was given to her when she crossed the finish line. I have had this medal hanging up over my desk since receiving it.

I am so honored to be able to participate in this walk as a survivor this year. I am also honored that I will be walking with a group of people on the Wings of Courage team.

https://www.revlonrunwalk.com/la/secure/teamwebpage.cfm?pid=51080

Ancora Imparo
Marla

In Print...

2010-04-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

I was very excited to get my mail today.
There awaiting me was a letter from the managing editor of Women & Cancer magazine along with the spring issue. Her note read: We're happy to feature Wings of Courage" in this issue.
Ancora Imparo
Marla

2 years ago...

2010-03-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

2 years ago today we were told I had cancer. What a journey it has been.

I consider myself blessed and incredibly fortunate as I have seen far too many people unable to beat this disease. I continue to learn so much. And I continue to thank you for your love and support.

Ancora Imparo

Marla

In The News...

2010-01-28T12:33:00.000-08:00

The Roy and Patricia Disney Cancer Center is opening in a few short weeks.
Yesterday, I was asked to take part in a press conference.
It was incredible to walk around this beautifully breathtaking facility that is focused on making a difference in the lives of cancer patients and their families. I was honored to be a part of this press tour and share my story.

I was even featured on our local news and in today's newspaper.

Cancer center takes new treatment approach
http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/video?id=7243240

http://www.dailynews.com

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Haircut...

2010-01-26T11:19:00.000-08:00

It's been 10+ months since I have had a haircut.
So I took myself to have it reshaped and slightly trimmed this morning.
The curls are here to stay....

Ancora Imparo
Marla

It's Almost Here...

2010-01-15T15:59:00.000-08:00

The Roy and Patricia Disney Cancer Center is almost here.
I was recently asked a few questions.
Feel free to check out my story.

www.triumphovercancer.org

Ancora Imparo

Marla

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T12:09:00.000-08:00

Hello 2010!

May this new year bring health, happiness, peace and prosperity to all of us.
A lot has happened for M, S and I since March of 2008.
We are all hoping that cancer treatment can now be a closed chapter in our lives forever!

I have continued to heal very well since my surgery on 12/3. Dr. B continues to be very happy with my progress and I was able to ring in the new year bandage free which is HUGE.

Thank you for continuing to share your love and light with all of us.

Ancora Imparo
Marla, Mike and Sully

Reconstruction is all done...

2009-12-07T09:06:00.000-08:00

Thank G-d. My last surgery is now behind me (insert chorus singing "Hallelujah".)

The last phase of reconstruction went well from a surgical standpoint but it seems that it just wouldn't be me if there wasn't some sort of issue that arose. Thankfully we caught the dropping sodium levels before there was a real problem (i,e: what we went through in June) so it basically came down to my spending an extra day on an IV, being monitored by a new doctor, having my labs checked every four hours and getting additional rest at PSJMC. My beautiful sister B was my overnight buddy both nights which was a big help. This time I wasn't so loopy so we were able to have some really nice long talks.

I am so very happy to be home and slowly getting back into the swing of things. I will find out later this week when I can resume driving. The key is to really take it easy in an effort to get the grafts to take. The pain is really minimal and Wednesday will be the big reveal when the bandages are removed and Mike and I will be able to see Dr. B's handy work.

It is surreal to be at this point.

I am so blessed to have the treatment and surgeries now behind me and am ready to close this chapter in the book of my life.

Does this mean that I won't think about this journey? Of course not. But it does mean that I will be able to move ahead knowing I won't have to undergo another surgical procedure and knowing that I have really done everything in my power from a medical standpoint. Healing of my mind, body and spirit continues...

Thank you for your love and support.

Ancora Imparo

Marla

The recent news...

2009-11-22T14:14:00.000-08:00

We all have our opinions about the recent news this past week and the recommendation from the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force to change the age of mammogram screenings.

When we heard this, Mike and I were completely shocked. Here I am 45 years old and a breast cancer survivor. Thank g-d I was being monitored and having the screening tests I had been having regularly or I might not be sitting here writing this...

And to not teach women breast self exams... I know several women who found suspicious lumps/masses this way and thankfully had doctors that followed up on their concerns and guess what -- these were not high risk women and oh yea they were in their 40's!

Personally, I think we need another form of early detection since mammograms do not pick up on all breast cancers. It did not lead to my diagnosis. And doesn't seem to be an effective screening tool if you have dense breast tissue which most women have. And to want to make this recommendation because of the psychological implications with a false positive reading... Ridiculous.

It just illustrates that you have to really be your own advocate and fight for what you feel is important.

The following article seems to be a bit more on track.

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/11/22/nih-chief-ignore-governmentsmammography-recommendations/

Ancora Imparo

Marla

One Day...

2009-11-03T10:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to a funeral for a dear friend's mom who lost her battle with cancer. I was incredibly moved by something the Pastor read. I know we all come from different faiths and have different beliefs but I truly think this is beautiful and want to share it with you.

Ancora Imparo

Marla

One Day

If God gave us only one day of life, it would have been generous.
If God gave us only one springtime or fall, one summer or winter, it would have been generous.
If God gave us only one day of laughter, it would have been generous.
If God gave us only one beautiful meal, beautifully served in a secure home, it would have been generous.
If God gave us only one friend to share the journey of time, it would have been generous.
If God gave us only one child, sound in mind and body, it would have been generous.
If God gave us only one storm that left us unharmed, it would have been generous.
If God gave us only one day for a good time with friends, it would have been generous.
If God gave us only one talent for creating beauty, it would have been generous.
If God let us laugh only once in the face of calamity, it would have been generous.
If God gave us only one moment's pride in the success of those we love, it would have been generous.

But God has given us life and time, joy and sorrow,
sunshine and storms, laughter and tears,
gifts to share and days to remember.
God has given us friends and lovers, children and parents,
you and me, and Himself as well.

It is God who gives us life,
who tells us ever after to choose life,
God who is our resurrection and our hope,
who dwells within our hearts as the spirit of life,
the vanquisher of death,
and the comforter of the afflicted.

-Donna Gordon

Fall is here...

2009-10-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

October already.
And mid October at that.
I am now another year older -- 45 can you believe it!

There is a chill in the air although I am hearing we will have some warm California weather over the weekend.

I had the honor of volunteering at the weSpark booth at the Taste of Encino (street fair) yesterday. S came with me. M would have loved to join us but had a ton of work to do for his D-project. After our shift, S was a good sport helping me distribute Wings of Courage fliers. Then we had a chance to go exploring which included him sliding down the largest inflatable slide we have ever seen and buying an extra large bag of fresh popped kettle corn to bring home to M.

Hoping the new season is treating you well.
Thanks for your continued support.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Feel the feelings without the story...

2009-09-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

I am continuing to have the opportunity to go to my post treatment support group. Today we talked about allowing ourselves to feel the feelings we are experiencing without attaching a story onto them. I need to sit with this idea for a while.

It is easy to get ahead of oneself and plan out an entire scenario before it happens or in my case attach someone elses outcome onto my journey. It is not a battle but more of a reminder that my journey is simply that -- MY -- journey. Having cancer is in my past. My mom and Jack (step-mom) paved a path that preceded my diagnosis and treatment but that is where the similarity ends. So when I stop and remind myself to feel the feelings... it grounds me and brings me back to the moment.

On the follow up front, I had my 3-month oncology appointment yesterday. It was a bit of a comedy of errors when they went to draw my blood. For some reason the vein tapped wasn't compliant but after a couple of sticks they got what they needed. Because I am still dealing with some fatigue they are checking for a few things. But Dr. M does not seem to be concerned. According to him I look good and my hair seems to be a conversation topic. I am truly grateful to have hair. And I am trying to embrace and love the hair that I have. I am getting there. In a little while I should really be there. I am getting used to being a larger self. The numbers on the scale continue to go up. I am trying to stay active and get into a regular exercise routine. I will be having a bone density and hip X-ray as I am unable to sit cross legged. I am hopeful that is not from the Arimidex (aromatase inhibitor).

I am thrilled with the support that www.wingsofcouragebelieve.com is getting. It is really a tremendous feeling to have an idea and see it come to life. I launched a Face Book page for my Wings of Courage pendant. Make sure you become a fan.

I continue to be touched and honored to have so much love and support.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

bad dream

2009-08-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

I had a bad dream last night.
The first in I don't know how long.
I dreamt my chemo didn't work and I was going to need to start treatment again.
It was so real.
So scary.
And so profound.
The reality is that if we found out that I needed to go down the treatment road again we would without hesitation. But this really threw me.

What is not a dream and is very much a reality is my new sister site

www.wingsofcouragebelieve.com

I am still adding to it. But I am excited to see it taking off.
I have also created a wings of courage pendant fan page on FB.
Be sure to check it out and become a fan!

Ancora Imparo
Marla

We have a date!

2009-08-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it is already August. The summer seems to be going by very quickly.

All that talk so many months ago of what I am going to do post treatment has begun to unfold. I have just started interning at a law office as a legal assistant and have finished training as a territory sales rep for an art based fundraising company. I am enjoying both of those a great deal and look forward to the next few months to see where that leads. I never would have imagined either one prior to all of this.

Additionally, something I am proud and honored to be doing is to offer peer support to women that are either dealing with a breast cancer diagnosis and/or are undergoing treatment for breast cancer. There openness furthers my healing and recovery.

Another big thing is my hair! I kid you not it has its own zip code now -- 9-1-5-oy-vay. Honestly, I look like a cross between Annie and Eraser Head. I just remind myself that it is in transition.

My last surgery is scheduled for December 3rd. At that time Dr. B will put the finishing touches on my reconstruction -- I have affectionately come to call this surgery my garnish. I am hopeful that the lead time will give Dr. B and my ONC the chance to get on the same page and figure out the bleeding issue so as to avoid any complications.

I bought a brassiere recently. Let's just say I am no longer in between cup sizes and am very happy with the end result. My big push now is to get my much larger body into better shape. Primarily my midsection. Whoever said menopause slows down your metabolism was right on track and I am back to exercising as often as possible. The Wii Active is genius. It really is making exercise fun and who knew my left cross was so strong!

Mike continues to be there for me every step of the way. We have been having some incredible talks about cancer and what it has meant and continues to mean. We know this continues to be a journey for all of us. We look forward to March of 2012 when I am officially at the five-year mark.

None of us know what the future will bring and we really have to take the time to celebrate the special moments that surround all of us.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Celebrate...

2009-06-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Saturday I went to our local Burbank Relay for Life event. While this was my second Relay event this seemed to hit me a bit harder. I think it was simply being truly in the moment and taking in everything that I was seeing, feeling and hearing. I really looked at all of the faces of my fellow survivors. We were all there proudly wearing our purple shirts, putting our hand-prints on the canvas and celebrating our lives. We shared understanding nods as if to say I respect you and the journey you have been on. I know it may not have been easy but look at where we are now...

The event also allowed me the chance to visit with some very special people. People that continue to touch and inspire me.

Sully came along and was quite the trooper through the presentations and speeches. He took most of the wonderful pics above. Following the survivor lap he and I went to all of the booths and looked at how they were choosing to "celebrate" the event. Then the two of us went to the playground where I caught a pic of the big little guy in action.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Wings of Courage...

2009-06-15T18:12:00.000-07:00

In late March early April I told Mike about an idea that I had to create a piece of jewelry. A cancer awareness piece. Something that would stand as a lasting symbol of the journey I have been on. I showed Mike the design. Something that I had doodled during one of my weSpark creative writing sessions. He believed in the idea and encouraged me to go forward and find a way to make it happen. With his blessing I began looking at a way to take this idea and turn it into a reality. My sister B has a dear friend who is an amazing jewelry designer. I reached out to L and showed her my idea. She loved it. Her enthusiasm and guidance enabled Mike and I to see this through. In July it will be featured as part of her Eco-Friendly Fall '09 line at www.lauraelizabethjewelry.com in the meantime I am making pendants on a pre-order basis. I am touched and thrilled by the outcome thus far. It is one thing to have an idea and quite another to be able to make it happen. I am so truly blessed to have the support from Mike for this endeavor. He added so much to this piece. When we were brainstorming for a word that would mean something he cleverly said believe. I "believe" he is truly inspired.

This is the write-up that Mike came up with.

Wings of Courage….Believe^TM is the first piece designed by artisan and recent cancer survivor Marla Zack. Cast in recycled sterling silver, this original Butterfly & Ribbon^TM design stands as a symbol of healthy renewal, of the delicate beauty of life, and of the strength and power of hope. Each pendant is adorned with a single hand-picked bead of pink rose quartz, the color of breast cancer awareness.

This is the piece.

It's a family affair -- even Sully picked out the chain.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Cancer Survivor...

2009-06-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

Saturday, I attended the 2nd Annual PSJMC Cancer Survivor Day. One year ago I was a guest at this event. A newbie to the world of cancer diagnosis and treatment. A year later I am veteran. I have weathered the chemo storm. Seen my hair go and now come back. Thankfully I have recovered from four surgeries and even though there have been a few bumps along the road my attitude and appreciation for those that treat, counsel and care for those undergoing a cancer diagnosis continues to grow. I have encountered many of these angels in the last year. And they truly are heroes among us. I am forever touched and grateful to be able to have the team that I have.

At the event I and my new friend L were given the honor of being representatives at the weSpark table. Asking event attendees if they have heard of weSpark and if not making sure they left the booth with information on how they can get involved and have their own special place at that amazing haven that was instrumental in my healing and recovery.

An additional honor was having my Wings of Courage necklace as a raffle item for the Providence St. Joseph Breast Center booth. Sully picked the lucky winners ticket and I was given the chance to put the necklace on her. Her Dad, brother and cancer-survivor Mom posed for pictures and made for a truly memorable moment.

I am truly touched that I was given this opportunity. It was a very touching day and one that I will truly remember.

Ancora Imparo

Marla

Home At Last...

2009-06-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am happy to be home from my last hospital stay. There really is no place like home. Being surrounded by all that fills your heart with love and joy. Being with those you love. Being able to get up without notifying anyone. Being able to snuggle on the couch with your favorite blanket. Is there anything better than that?

As Mike posted the surgery went well. Doc B was very happy with the surgery and my initial recovery however, on Saturday morning something odd was noticed by him and one of the nurses. Mike describes it best by saying that I was literally drowning internally. The technical name for what was happening is SIADH. My sodium levels dropped from 132 to 116 in a matter of hours which caused severe confusion, restlessness, irritability, unresponsiveness, nausea and altered mood. I was not myself as my glassy eyes stared blankly at a corner in the wall. The room and my head were stuck in a perpetual spin. Thankfully things were under control before anything more serious happened (those being seizures and coma.) When I started to come around I did ask Mike what had happened. Bless his heart he was by my side during the worst of it. He explained what had happened and parts of Saturday are still continuing to unfold.

I had a blood test today to make sure that my sodium levels were maintaining since I have returned home and thankfully all seems good. They are currently at 136 which is the same number they were at yesterday morning prior to my discharge.

I am healing well. The pain if any is really minimal. I have a special thing that I am having to wear until next week called a bandeau. It's a 3" belt that has a Velcro closure. It is supposed to help put things in the right place. My post op doc visits are next week and I look forward to resuming driving.

In the meantime it is great to be home!

Ancora Imparo
Marla

A Job Well Done!

2009-06-04T21:29:00.000-07:00

Hello All!

Just a quick blog entry (from special guest blogger Mike) to let you know that Marla did GREAT today! Surgery was uneventful -- the Doctor was very happy with the results.

She is currently resting comfortably with some elbow pain (as with the first surgery) and some discomfort in the chest area. And, unfortunately, that darned rash (and itch) have returned. Seems to be related NOT to the antibiotic from last time, but from the newer clotting agent.

But she ate some food tonight and is getting up and about a bit.

Marla will most likely come home on Saturday!

All in all, a very good day!

Ancora Imparo

Big Day Tomorrow...

2009-06-03T19:51:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is phase two of my reconstruction. The official day that my expanders will be coming out and my implants will be coming in. Yippee! So in the early morning Mike and I will once again head off to PSJMC. I will get pumped full of the clotting factors that I need and Dr. B will be able to work his magic.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Relay for Life...

2009-05-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I had the opportunity to participate in my first relay for life event. It was incredibly moving and quite profound as I gathered with other survivors for the "survivor" lap that kicked off the 24-hour event. I know these events are going on in every community and I truly urge everyone to get involved. The cause is great and the reality is we are all affected by cancer.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Just Around the Corner...

2009-05-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

June 4th I will be having my "exchange" surgery. A far more genteel way of saying what I was lovingly referring to as my "swap 'em out" surgery.

I am looking forward to this next step in the reconstruction process.

Ancora Imparo

Marla

A little tired...

2009-04-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

I find myself a little tired today but it is a GOOD tired.

Yesterday, Sully and I participated in a 5K for his school.
He chose to run and completed it with a time of 29:11.
I chose to walk briskly and completed it with a time of 49:40.
When I rounded the last turn Sully was there. He was cheering me on and urging me to run across the finish line.

What a wonderful day indeed.
Ancora Imparo
Marla

Same event different year...

2009-04-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

Back in April of last year one of my post surgery goals was to attend the local Burbank Parade. We kept with tradition and made it to that event. Well, today it was the same event -- a year later -- and I am happy to say that we attended the parade this morning.

The theme was Hollywood

One of the highlights was seeing Sully participate with his Tae Kown Do studio. This parade always falls on the last Saturday in April. Because of that we have always referred to it as Mike's Birthday Parade. As Sully and his group marched by us he yelled "Happy Birthday Dad!"

Sully is in blue and has face paint to look like Po from Kung Fu Panda. His routine included doing a jumping double front kick and breaking boards.

That's Bugs Bunny

The local Relay for Life float had a large chicken and a sign that read "Cluck Cancer"

As dates and events continue to pass that mark the first year since diagnosis and treatment I am reminded of how precious life is and truly thankful and blessed to be healthy and strong.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

This time last year...

2009-04-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

Mike called a short while ago to see how I was doing this morning. He is on a scout and wanted to make sure that I was doing okay. Exactly a year ago I on a gurney with Mike by my side awaiting the sentinel node procedure prior to my B/L Mastectomy.

A year later I am sitting in front of my computer and in the background I can hear Sully offer his best pal N a snack as they laugh at some new Nick Cartoon.

Once our annual termite inspection is finished I will rally the troupes and we will head out for a bike ride on this absolutely gorgeous spring day.

Here is a pic that I snapped yesterday while Sully and I were riding. He is the little spec off in the distance.

It is amazing to think back to where I was 365 days ago and to where I will be 365 days from now.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

All FULL...

2009-04-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

My last fill-up was this past Wednesday. I learned that expanders actually have a fill capacity and that I exceeded that capacity by 85cc's on each side. This means that when I have my swap surgery it will be easier as there will be plenty of room for the implants.

I asked the amazing Dr. B what my new size will be... I mentioned I didn't know if I would be an "A or B" and was greeted with bulging eyes by both he and his lovely nurse and a very loud "G-d no!" I wasn't trying to insult anyone it is just a difficult thing to figure out at this stage... for many reasons -- one being that when I began the reconstruction process I was concave and now am convex-- that is a little baffling (in a good way)... once my surgery is passed and I have recuperated from it I have no problem going to my local Victoria Secret to be properly fitted for new bras -- something I am actually looking forward to doing. Since I am in a sharing mood -- here is a little tidbit that both Mike and I gleaned when we were working on that brilliant chat show, "The Other Half." Apparently there are many women out there that don't wear properly fitted brassieres. If you feel you may be one go to your local lingerie store and ask to be fitted. The sales associates are usually most happy to assist you and you won't believe the difference a good fitting bra makes. Okay enough of that soap box.

This new week is my "I am back in the work force week" -- and while I have not started anything yet I have been actively phoning in to the temp agencies I am registered with each morning.

Since I didn't have work today I was able to go to my support group this afternoon. We talked about the post treatment process and what this is like to deal with. I believe I may have said this before but the emotional aspect of my diagnosis, surgeries and chemo have been a much more difficult part of the journey than going through the actual treatments. With the exception of the Illeus which just sucked on every level.

When you go through treatment you follow a certain blueprint that has been outlined for you. Your a "good little soldier" going from appointment to appointment. Your oncologist or surgeon tells you a lot of things to get you mentally prepared... your body changes as a result of surgery or chemo or radiation... but the emotional aspect is a tricky thing. You are forever changed in some very profound ways and I am not talking about the physical changes. I am talking about the internal changes. The things that people can not see by looking at you. It is as if you have this alternate dialogue going on at all times. And it is important to deal with and talk about and release. Mike and I have had numerous talks about this past year and what it has meant and continues to mean and I am forever grateful that he is my partner and that we are able to talk with each other and share. Additionally, I am so blessed to have the love and support of my family and friends. Even Sully has let me know his thoughts. He thinks that since chemo I repeat myself "a lot" when I am not happy with him. While I want to say "look if you listen the first time I ask I wouldn't be repeating myself" I stop and I listen to what he is saying and I think there is probably some truth there. My patience is not what it was and if that is as a result of the chemo or full blown menopause or at all even related to cancer treatment it is important to hear what he is saying and to be there to listen to him.

So as I continue to figure all of this out I thank you for continuing to be there for all of us.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

2009-04-05T20:48:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share a portion of my day. It was incredibly reminiscent of Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles. You know the moment where she is standing at the top of the stairwell and literally gets felt up by her grandmother. And thanks to the wonderful world wide web here is the dialogue from that scene:

Grandma Helen: Oh Sam, let me take a look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies. Grandpa Fred: I better get my magnifying glass. Ha Ha Ha. Grandma Helen: Oh, and they are so PERKY. [reaches to cup them] Grandma Helen: [cut to:] Samantha: I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up.

Well there was no stairwell involved this afternoon but there was my grandma and yes... well... she did feel me up! Grandma for those that don't know is now 89 and lives in an assisted living facility not far from my house. She was recently moved to the wing that provides 24-hour care since she is prone to falling and wandering. She has adjusted well to her new surroundings and was quite alert when my sis, B, and I went to visit. Her face lit up as we entered her room and it was wonderful to spend some time visiting with her. We had some serious moments and several good laughs since she was so lucid. We had our usual conversation repeating that B and I have come to expect. Though for the most part she kept returning to my new bust line. To the point of having her own hands on experience as mentioned above.

I do find it all a bit similar to being pregnant when complete strangers would ask if they could touch my growing tummy. I would most often oblige them. But this is a lot more personal to me. Thankfully Grandma is the only one that has been brazen enough to cop a feel.

After our visit with Grandma we went to the cemetery to have some quiet time. Yesterday marked the 21st year since our mom passed away. It was the first time I had been since prior to my diagnosis.

Last year I thought about going quite a bit but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Mike, bless his heart, always offered to take me up there and sit with me but I just couldn't do it. The sheer emotion of everything that we were going through with my diagnosis and treatment made it too difficult. But today I was really ready to be there. Which felt really good.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

I look busty?

2009-03-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

I had my 3rd fill up last week.
And was told today that I looked busty!

A longer post will be coming about what it feels like to have hit the year mark since my diagnosis and the details about fill-up #3.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Tax Time...

2009-03-16T10:59:00.000-07:00

Mike and I are getting ready for our annual homage to see B, our tax guy, and I came across a receipt that I had to share as it truly made me laugh out loud.

On 3/10/08 I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and purchased a new hair dryer.
Who new that a few short months later I wouldn't have hair. Of course that is currently changing and while I am not at the hair dryer stage yet I know I will be there soon.

In addition to this little gem I also found a couple receipts for new bras... needless to say I didn't really get my monies worth out of those, however, I am excited to say that in a few months I will be ready to go shopping for them again.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Back from the filling station...

2009-03-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

Happy Thursday.

I went in for my second fill-up yesterday. Dr. B continues to be very pleased with my progress thus far. He asked if I was compliant and refrained from pole dancing these last two weeks and was happy to hear that I continue to be a good patient and that I haven't started pole dancing.

The filling up process was a repeat of the first. Both sides accommodated 150 cc's. I feel like I have HUGE pecs now.

I had slight discomfort most of the day yesterday and a truly lousy night sleep as the discomfort level intensified and to be honest with you I have been so blessed to have such little pain that this threw me off. Taking Tylenol helped this morning and I will continue to do that this evening as well. The skin simply needs to stretch and let me tell you when I look down it is a whole new world.

Last weeks oncology visit prompted a few changes. One of them being that I have to get back into a light exercise schedule. So I am trying to walk on the treadmill. This simply has to be part of my daily routine -- like brushing my teeth... I just have to do it. I was told by Dr. M that he is not thrilled with the amount of weight I have gained since my November, December, January and February visits. There are reasons for the steady weight gain (between 4 - 5 pounds a month) -- being thrown head first into menopause, being on the Arimidex, not really exercising regularly, not to mention eating lots of good tasting food that is a bit high in the not so good for you category. I have always made pretty healthy choices but have started to cut back and I was able to put on a pair of jeans that didn't fit last week so yippee. I am not so concerned with how much I weigh it's just about being healthy and making sure that the breast cancer doesn't have an environment to come back to.

After my ONC visit I was started on Black Cohash and Fish Oil. And then a phone call late last week after my blood levels were all in, revealed that my Vitamin D levels were not even on the chart so I was told to begin taking an additional Vitamin D supplement. The supplements and vitamin boost should help ease the hot flashes which had gotten pretty intense. The exercise should help as well.

I am continually grateful and thankful to be where I now am.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

"Filler Up!"

2009-02-25T15:15:00.000-08:00

Now I truly feel that I am on the road to a new me.

I had my first "fill" late this morning.
I went into the surgeons office, changed into a gown (open in the front) and after a short wait was literally filled up. The process was pretty painless. I think it took longer to change my clothes and navigate my way through the parking lot then the actual fill up.

Dr. B started by finding the ports on each expander. They have a small magnetic component . Once he located them he drew a small circle -- swabbed the area to make it sterile and then inserted a small needle that had a tube on one end that he screwed into the saline filled syringe. Each syringe contained 50cc's of saline (about 2 ounces.). My left was able to take 4 syringes -- 200cc's and my right was able to take 3 syringes -- 150cc's. He continues to be really pleased with my progress and has reminded me that I need to continue to take it slowly which means no exercising other than the motions he has shown me to prevent my shoulders from freezing. Oh and he made me swear that I would refrain from pole dancing. G-d bless his sense of humor.

So I have to say I am now feeling a lot like Growing Up Skipper. Do you remember that great doll from the late 70's? Barbie's little sister? You would take her arm -- rotate it backwards 180 degrees and her waist would get smaller, she would grow taller and her boobs would pop out. I mentioned this to Dr. B today and he assured me he would be able to expand my chest without twisting my arm. He also assured me that my height would not change and I think I am safe to assume my waistline will not either.

My next fill up is in two weeks.
It is really exciting to be getting a shape again.
More importantly it is amazing to be at this point in my journey.
I know how truly lucky I am to be in this place and I continue to be so grateful.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Celebrating the gift of love...

2009-02-14T14:52:00.000-08:00

I have to say that today is another day to celebrate the love that I have for those I am so fortunate to have in my life and to take the time to say it.

Thank you for sharing your love with Mike, Sully and I while we have been on this journey.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Post Op Report...

2009-02-05T14:15:00.001-08:00

I went to see my ONC this week as well as Dr. B my reconstruction surgeon. Things are continuing to heal really well. Both Docs are very pleased with my progress. My first fill (Mike and I have been referring to it as "fill-ups") will be later in the month. I have begun to work on some exercises to increase my mobility. Happily, I have much more flexibility than I did after my first surgery and am hopeful I will be back to full range of motion in a few weeks.

Because the initial instruction was that I needed to refrain from bending and lifting anything heavier than a milk carton for at least a week and should limit the use of my arms our magnificent friends from Sully's school have been preparing meals for us. What a gift this has been. I know I will be back to my regular routine very soon. While it takes longer to unload the dishwasher one plate at a time it is part of the bigger lesson in all of this which is to slow down -- life isn't always about multitasking.

Mike continues to be amazing. He is constantly asking if I am doing too much. Sully is doing great as well.

We three continue to have so very much to be thankful for.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Happy to be home...

2009-01-31T11:15:00.000-08:00

I am so happy to be home.
Happy to now be four days post surgery.
Incredibly happy that I have not needed any pain medication since Wednesday and thus far have not needed any anti-itch meds today.

Yippee!

Thank you all for the continued love and support.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Reconstruction Begins...a Surgical Success!!!

2009-01-27T19:23:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

Mike here -- and, as usual, if I'm blogging, it's to let you know how Marla's surgery went today.

In a word (a very happy one)...FANTASTIC! Here's how it all played out...

We arrived at St. Joseph's at 6am for a scheduled 10am start. Our brave girl Marla went into surgery at about 10:20am... then, at about 12:00p, Dr. B arrived at the door of the waiting room to tell me that the Expanders were in and that Marla did great! Her bleeding was relatively little and relatively normal... in fact, he didn't even need to put in drains! That is FANTASTIC news that Marla was very happy to hear when I finally got to see her in her hospital room at about 2:30pm.

As far as discomfort, Marla says it feels like an 18-wheeler ran over her chest. True, I see some new shapes there, but fortunately, no tire tread marks. We are told that the pain should get less as the days go on (with a warning that it cold be worse tomorrow). But, they are keeping her in the hospital tonight and probably tomorrow night to monitor her bleeding (or lack thereof which is better!)

It was a long, looooong day. But we made it through thanks to the love and light that you dear people continue to bathe us in.

As we continue down this road, we continue to believe that life is a gift -- a beautiful gift -- enhanced and brightened by the wonderful and positive people we meet along the way. I am the luckiest man in the world to be traveling down the road with my Marla and my Sully. And as we three continue down the road towards happy adventures yet to be experienced, I am grateful for the firm and never-ending belief that we leave cancer behind us... in the dust... at that ghost town we passed miles ago.

Ancora Imparo

Mike

Juggling...

2009-01-26T12:35:00.000-08:00

This is something I have been writing the last several days.

I'll teach you to juggle
It's easy you see
You start with two balls
Before you master three

You juggle sans struggle
Career, Motherhood and being a Wife
Others marvel at all you do
You utter this is simply my life

A new ball appears
A bit different you see
It throws you a curve
And threatens your "me"

You continue to juggle this new ball the big "C"

There is a tightrope now beneath your feet

You hope and pray that you don't fall
You accept support and learn to call

You adapt to many changes both inside and out

You juggle a bit more and a bit less it now seems
You stop to see a rainbow, a tree, a bug with yellow wings

You've tasted true fear
Acknowledged defeat
You share when you're scared, excited and just plain beat

You approach scans and tests with apprehension it's true
You decide the "C" ball is simply not for you

You pledge to make changes to yourself and your G-d
You exercise, eat healthy and have a new found respect for your bod(y)

You feel blessed and empowered, grateful it's true
You seek beauty and truth in all that you do

You juggle again but this time you see
Greater need for balance of yourself and your Chi

The future is bright
The journey moves on
You're a survivor and undeniably strong

Ancora Imparo
Marla

I had to share...

2009-01-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

The following was in my inbox today. It has been posted on several blogs.
I am not sure who wrote it.
Enjoy.

Ancora Imparo

Marla

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Record your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to____ today."

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in the last year.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a child.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

23.. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. Burn the candles, use the nice bed sheets, Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. So stop complaining about the weather, the job, the rents, etc, etc

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch..

32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

34. The best is yet to come.

35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and sh ow up..

36. Do the right thing!

37. Call your family often.

38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: "I am thankful for ___." Today I accomplished ____.

39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

40. Enjoy the ride! Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more….and more for 2009!

May nothing but happiness come through your door!

Creating a Vision...

2009-01-16T22:41:00.000-08:00

Today I got the chance to attend a vision board workshop at weSpark. I have always wanted to create one of these since watching The Secret. It was a really neat exercise in focusing on asking for what it is that you want to attract. It was a packed house and I was really happy to see so many familiar faces. Courageous people that I have gotten the chance to know over the last nine plus months as we all continue to navigate our way down our specific paths.

I truly try to express my gratitude daily for the many blessings I have; the love and support of my husband, our beautiful son, a roof over our head, food on our table, wonderful friends and family, a resilient body and continued good health / healing.

As I began the exercise of asking myself what it is that I want and hope to manifest in 2009 I thought about my health, my beauty (inside and out [reconstruction is 11 days away]), joy, laughter, relaxation, vacation, pampering, reading, writing and career opportunities. I was also given a blank check that I made out to myself for $1,000, 000 -- paid by the universal bank.

Whatever you wish for I hope it brings you true peace and happiness.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Long time no blog...

2009-01-11T11:38:00.001-08:00

I feel as if I have been on an extended vacation lately. We had the opportunity to play tourist in our own town which is always a lot of fun.

Now it is time to kick it into high gear and get back into a routine.

I am beginning to prepare for phase 1 of reconstruction (two weeks from Tuesday.) Which means upcoming doc appointments, beginning tax prep for 2008, dealing with numerous repair people and coordinating transportation for S to and from school the week of surgery and the week after - I like to have as many ducks in a row as possible.

I am also continuing to put the word out about returning to work. Seeking an opportunity to take the skills I have amassed and apply them to another facet of the industry or another industry all together. The job I seek is seeking me is a new mantra that is posted on my desk.

M and I had a wonderful date night last night.
How blessed I am to have him by my side.
He is a remarkable man who continues to make me laugh.
We just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary.
Amazing.

While we were at dinner we had a long talk with our server.
We were talking about the business and how much it has changed...
She asked what I do and I said "I have been working on my recovery from BC."
She recognized my lymphedema sleeve and shared that her sister is a survivor.

I am continually validated by the choices I have made and have had to make on this journey and for the numerous gifts that I have received.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

A New Year Approaches...

2008-12-30T16:00:00.000-08:00

Sully and I were out running errands this morning when he shared that he was glad that I got my cancer now. Because he said now that I have had it and the doctors know that I have had it they have given me medicine to ensure that I will never have it again. And if they hadn't caught it when they did it could have been a much worse stage.

I can say on behalf of all of us we are truly happy to be able to bid 2008 a final farewell. Never has the adage out with the old and in the with new meant so much. We're hopeful that the new year will be filled with good health, abundant happiness and magical moments for all those we are fortunate enough to have in our lives.

Ancora Imparo
Marla, Mike and Sully

Happy Holidays...

2008-12-22T10:58:00.000-08:00

The festival of lights began last night and we were reminded about how truly lucky we are. We have been so blessed as a family to have so many people who have been a source of light to us. May the beauty of the holiday season be filled with joy and peace and may the new year be filled with health and happiness.

Ancora Imparo
Marla, Mike and Sully

It Makes So Much Sense...

2008-12-17T13:59:00.000-08:00

In my post treatment group yesterday we were talking about the fatigue that we are all experiencing and someone shared it was as if we no longer get a second wind. That simple statement makes so much sense and completely describes the fatigue. Someone else shared that in time the fatigue will pass which pleased me greatly.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Put it on poster...

2008-12-11T13:07:00.000-08:00

At the weSpark creative writing session this week several people suggested that the following should be put on a poster. I was deeply flattered and touched by their suggestion. Our prompt was When I Open My Eyes.

When I open my eyes I see how fragile life can be.
When I open my heart I feel how deeply I can love.
When I open my mind I awake my spirit.
When I open my spirit I embrace my body and vow to heal it fully.
And when I open my life I accept my limitations
and continue to strive for the highest and most honorable.
I maintain hope.
I pray for courage.
I teach peace and acceptance.
I let go and close my eyes surrendering to the darkness
knowing light will come on a new day.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

You Know What I Really Need...

2008-12-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

This was a prompt in creative writing this past week.

How can I tell you what I really need if I don't know myself?
I am working on identifying wants from needs.
Focusing on what is truly important.
The want for those around me to not have to suffer and face life's uncertainties and the need for everyone to understand that we do possess inner strength and the ability to call upon it when presented with our own personal challenges.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Had to Share...

2008-12-03T21:01:00.000-08:00

Hi Folks,

I thought this shirt said it best.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Please! by Skinbus
Buy shirts at www.Zazzle.com
Browse more Words To Live By T-Shirts

Not so Fast...

2008-12-01T16:38:00.000-08:00

Two posts in one day.

Amazing.

It seems that the previously mentioned rash looks like contact dermatitis -- according to my ONC and the ONC Nurse. So, I will continue on all prescribed meds / vitamins until further notice and keep an eye on the area. I can also use a topical cream to help relieve the strong urge to scratch. Pretty exciting huh?!

Ancora Imparo
Marla

A Little Experiment...

2008-12-01T14:26:00.001-08:00

Fortunately the little rash on my leg has remained on my leg for the last several weeks. Unfortunately it has grown a bit in size and has become itchy. It turns out that it may in fact be a side effect from my new BFF Arimidex. So the plan is to stop taking the Arimidex and all vitamins for the next two weeks to see if the rash decreases in size and goes away.

I'll keep you posted. In the meantime I am successfully resisting the urge to scratch.
Ancora Imparo
Marla

Pictures in the Clouds...

2008-11-29T17:42:00.000-08:00

I went to creative writing at weSpark this week, our prompt was Pictures in the Clouds.

When I was little I really thought that I had it all figured out. I remember that I thought the barren mountains along I-10 were really sleeping dinosaurs and at any moment they would wake up from their fifty million year slumber and begin roaming the earth. Their tall necks stretching into the sky would surely touch the clouds.

I also thought that if you were listening to the radio and you turned it off mid song the same song would be playing when you turned the radio back on.

I believed that there were teeny tiny people that lived underneath the traffic lights at intersections and it was their job to change the light from green to yellow to red. When someone would push the crosswalk button it would send an alarm in the teeny tiny world and the teeny tiny people would know it was time to change the light.

And when I was seven and my Grandparents gave me a handful of silver dollars and fifty cent pieces from their weekend trip to Vegas. I remember opening my first bank account with my shiny money -- $7.50. I also remember being truly distraught when I made my first withdrawal. I was not given the same money back. I remember asking why I was given paper money when I had given the teller coins.

Somewhere along the way the innocence of my childhood and my thought process gave way to the wisdom of adulthood and life experience.

A constant has been a love of clouds. In my early twenties I had an opportunity to be amongst them. I was para sailing off the coast in Eleuthra. I remember gliding along and feeling the breeze as it gently swayed me into a Zen like state. It was so quiet and peaceful. 300 feet above the beach felt like it was the closest I could get to heaven while being on this plain of existence.

There was a time when I could easily identify all of the cloud types and know the subtle differences between cumulus and stratus. But there was also a time when I couldn't identify invasive from in situ and when I didn't know the toxicity of AC versus TC.

I had a good look at the clouds today. I paused to celebrate their magnificence and take great honor in being able to continue to gaze at them.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Happy Thanksgiving...

2008-11-26T15:56:00.000-08:00

We have so much to be thankful for.
Wishing you all a wonderful Thanksgiving.
May it be filled with love, laughter and super yummy food.

Ancora Imparo
Marla, Mike and Sully

A Little Late...

2008-11-18T20:19:00.001-08:00

While my hair follicles were hibernating I was pretty content with the assortment of scarves and hats that I had to wear but I did contemplate a few festive choices.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Healing...

2008-11-14T16:42:00.000-08:00

I had a qi gong (pronounced chee gong) session this week. And for those not familiar this is a quick definition from our friends at Wikipedia. The qi in qigong means breath or air in Chinese, and, by extension, life force, dynamic energy or even cosmic breath. Gong means work applied to a discipline or the resultant level of skill, so qigong is thus breath work or energy work.

I did not know what to expect and I think that no two people have the same experiences. I can tell you that it was a very emotional (in a good way)and I am still processing it. But I slept better that evening than I have in months. So I am thinking that my qi needed some attention.

We started the session by talking about my cancer journey. Which started when I was 8 with the death of my real father and continued with the death of my real mom followed years later with the death of my step mom. And of course there have been others along the way that have battled cancer and continue to battle in my circle and of course my own diagnosis in March.

I was led through several exercises that target different things. One of them was a reprogramming of my DNA. Now it may sound a little woo woo for some of you but I am open to whatever works -- I am cancer free and want to keep it that way. I had to visualize the bad pieces of my double helix and then repair them (visualizing what was bad in this case glowing with what was good.)

Following that exercise I worked on healing my heart. As I was told that it seemed like with all that I have been through and even though I have a positive attitude and outlook there is still a wounded heart that needed repair and the breast and lungs are attached to the heart center. Again, this may be too out there for some of you. This was truly cathartic for me. I was told to visualize a door outside of my heart and to open it and then to really examine my heart and look for signs of tears and breaks and if I found one I was to use a needle and thread (I visualized gold thread and quite a large needle) and mend them. As I was making the repairs the thread dissolved leaving a perfect heart. As tears streamed down my face I felt lighter as I let go of a lot of past hurts. It is difficult to put into words the impact that this session had on me.

We talked about releasing any and all pain of losing loved ones and replacing it with a celebration of the joy for having had them. This is not new for me but in the context of the entire session it made a tremendous impact.

I was reminded that although I am done with my treatment (with exception of reconstruction) I am still not at 100% and it will take time (approximately two to three years) for me to get there. That must explain why I have been drawn to butterflies in the last several months -- I feel that I am in a cocoon of sorts and when this is truly behind me I sense emerging as a magnificent butterfly.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

A Little Insight...

2008-11-07T21:47:00.000-08:00

In my support group this week I shared some of my feelings that have surfaced about my mom and a deep sense of loss. Not what I have lost but more of a sense of what I feel I was not able to give.

One of our last conversations was at LAX and we were saying goodbye to one another (she and my Dad were headed to Texas.) I did not want her to leave (she was going there for a bone marrow transplant.) I remember hugging her and crying as she told me that it was her only hope. She had no other treatment option. She knew she was dying and she went and did what she had to do because she wanted to live. Unfortunately it didn't work out as they had planned and a few weeks after they left L.A. they returned back home where surrounded by family and friends she passed away.

Now, twenty years later, I like to think that my mom knows how my life has unfolded and that brings me a sense of comfort. But I also feel that emptiness that she is gone. I know in my heart that the choices she made and the bravery and courage she displayed while going through her battle with cancer have certainly given me the strength to face my journey and to attack it head on.

With the support of my family and friends I am able to embrace each day and feel the many blessings of light and love around me as I rebuild and truly recover. So what if I am feeling fatigued -- I am here!

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Happy Halloween...

2008-11-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

Hoping that you all had a very Happy Halloween.
It was a true treat to be with our Ewok.
I missed trick-or-treating last year due to work so I was truly grateful that I could be with my favorite guys last night. It was also a treat to be able to make Sully's costume.

I am simply in awe of the mask and spear that Mike was able to create. He is such an amazing artist.

I continue to count the many blessings in my life.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

258 Weeks Left...

2008-10-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

My hysterectomy was six weeks ago and I have just completed my second week on Arimidex. I have 258 weeks left. Thankfully the side effects are manageable thus far. The biggest complaints are muscle pain and fatigue. Both seem to be better if I keep moving and not sit for extended periods of time. The nausea and headaches I was experiencing last week have begun to subside which makes me very happy.

My hair is really growing in now. It looks like the color is basically the same. It is too early to tell if it will be curly or wavy. The pic on this posting was taken just moments ago.

Earlier in the week I transitioned to the post treatment group at weSpark so today I went to the in treatment group one last time to say goodbye and have a sense of closure. That group was a big part of my journey when I was undergoing treatment. It was a place for me to go and share what I was experiencing. A non judgmental environment which is so essential when you are in a vulnerable place. No matter how strong you are and how much support you have the ability to share your experience with others in a similar situation is helpful. I don't want that to sound like I don't appreciate and embrace all of the amazing people that have continued to keep us in their thoughts and prayers so please don't take offense but for those that have undergone a life changing event I think you may understand what I am trying to say. Without the love and support of my dear husband, family and friends I may not have sought out a place like weSpark. And I am truly grateful that I did. Mike continues to allow me to find myself and my "new" sense of normal and I am so incredibly blessed and fortunate that I can do that.

I certainly would never wish a cancer diagnosis on anyone. But g-d forbid you are faced with it you have to seek out a cancer support center. You can't battle this on your own. You need the support of those that have walked that road before you.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Life Force...

2008-10-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to my second Reiki session at weSpark. Just in case this is a new term for you here is a little definition from reiki.org.

Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by "laying on hands" and is based on the idea that an unseen "life force energy" flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one's "life force energy" is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.

It is always an interesting experience to have energy work. My biggest challenge is lying still and quieting my mind. I have the same issue in Yoga. My mind wanders. Yesterday, I started thinking about dinner. As in what should I make for dinner... what ingredients do I have on hand to make a balanced and quick dinner. So as I was lying there yesterday and A was leading me in Reiki I thought about making a nice fresh green salad and steamed broccoli but that turned to roasted zucchini because I just picked up some nice organic zucchini and steaming seemed so pedantic. But then it was time to figure out the entree. And all the while I thought I just need to be in the moment. Which worked temporarily until I thought about my 88 year old Grandma and her broken telephone which would be repaired today. This went on for an hour. My mind wandering while A worked on my life force. I have to say I did relax and I did take a lot in. I am continuing to remind myself to be in the moment. It is one of the many new mantras that I have since being on this journey.

Earlier in the morning I worked on my resume and surfed the net for potential job leads. This felt good. My return to work date is January 5, 2009.

These are my thoughts; because I have met and continue to meet so many amazing people on this journey. I am looking for a job where I can give back. Ideally I want to work for an organization or cause. I am excited about the prospect of doing something different and about the opportunity to make a difference and help others along the way.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

What's New?

2008-10-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

Happily it has been close to four weeks since my surgery and three since I was last in the hospital.

Today I had a bone density test. Other than being placed in some rather odd positions the test was rather uneventful. I did manage to catch a glimpse of one of the X-rays and it was pretty interesting. I could see my lungs and all of my spine. Since science has always fascinated me and we don't often get the chance to see the inner workings of our own bodies I found it pretty cool. The test is being done to assess my personal risk for developing osteoporosis.

Friday I started taking my Aromatase Inhibitor. My ONC prescribed Armidex. I think it is fitting that the icon identified with this particular AI is a set of hot pink boxing gloves. I like the symbolism -- this medication is further insurance that I have knocked out the cancer and am doing what I can to prevent it from coming back. If all goes well I will be on this AI for five years so in October of 2013 I will be celebrating being done with it -- That is something to truly look forward too.

Tomorrow I will follow up with the reconstruction surgeon to see if I will be scheduled for phase 1 (expander surgery) in late December.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Are you there G-d? It's Me, Marla...

2008-10-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

I have always been proud of being Jewish and I consider myself more spiritual than religious. I feel like my faith is a large part of who I am and something that is deep inside of me.

During the recent high holidays (a time for celebration and reflection) I found myself celebrating in far different ways than I have in the past.

For starters I was readmitted into our local (Catholic) hospital. I never gave a second thought when asked about my religious preferences. I told the admitting nurse that I was Jewish. G-d forbid if I was ever in a situation where it became medically necessary to acknowledge my religion I take comfort in knowing that my Rabbis are a phone call away and that the hospital has a staff of Jewish Chaplains.

Thirty minutes before high holiday services began at our temple Rabbi J called to tell me that he was thinking about me and that he knew that next year I would be in the synagogue with Mike and Sully. I hung up the phone and was so deeply touched that he took the time to call.

While fellow Jews around the world were enjoying the tastes of the holiday (apples dipped in honey and round challah) I was taking laps around the hospital floor with my IV in the hopes it would reawaken my bowels so I could finally graduate to a liquid diet. While Jews were making their pilgrimage to synagogue to hear the sounds of the Shofar I was listening to a CD that one of the Jewish Chaplains had lent me. "The Birthday of the World: A Traditional Rosh Hashanah Service" narrated by Leonard Nimoy and featuring a glorious choir. I laid in my hospital bed and meditated to the melodies coming from that CD. I was transported to that synagogue. Being lent that CD was a magnificent gift. The sheer beauty and familiarity of the melodies will forever stay with me. It was a very moving way to celebrate Rosh Hashanah.

In addition to the call from my Rabbi and my own private high holiday service I also had the pleasure of having my very own shofar blower come to my room specifically to share in the mitzvah of blowing shofar. The group from our local Chabad that came to the hospital did so because of their connection with G-d and I received this mitzvah because of my connection with G-d.

I was discharged and sent home several days before Yom Kippur. Once settled in I listened to a very sweet message from Rabbi S.

Thankfully I felt well enough to attend services for Yom Kippur. Sully sat with Mike and I. Hearing my name as it was shared on the Mi Sheberach list and reciting the prayer for healing along with the rest of the congregation was deeply profound. I held onto Mike's hand and looked into his loving eyes.

These are truly high holidays that I will remember.

We all have our own beliefs which is what makes us all so incredibly special and unique. I am simply grateful to continue to have so many blessings of life and love around me.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

The Sound of Rain...

2008-10-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, thanks to my friend and personal chauffeur C, I had the opportunity to go back to weSpark and participate in the creative writing class.

While we listened to the sound of rain I wrote the following:

Rain falls outside my window and off in the distance I hear thunder which reminds me of my personal journey and my path to see rainbows and sunshine.

The dark days are a normal part of this process. The road to recovery has been paved with a lot of love and support but it is the portion of this journey that I must travel alone that is at times the most difficult. The moments where I reach into the very depths of my soul and confront the events that have transpired and work through how I have been forever changed. It is not the physical changes that I write about although I suppose those are constant reminders. It's the internal changes -- the spiritual and emotional.

I know that I will continue to hear the sound of rain but I also know that sunny skies are within my reach.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Won't You Join Me...

2008-10-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

Many friends sent me the link to Dr. Susan Love's latest quest Army of Women.
A few moments on the website and you will see that we can all make a difference in the fight against breast cancer. Her goal is simple. Create a database of 1 million women from all ethnicity's in all age ranges -- from survivors and those with no history of breast cancer.

Please take a moment to look at her site and register. If we all work together we can prevent another woman from having to tell her loved ones she has Breast Cancer and find a cure for this disease.

http://www.armyofwomen.org

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Odds and Ends...

2008-10-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

So I meant to call the last post "The Illeus and My Odyssey" but I had a post Chemo moment and couldn't remember it until now.

It has been wonderful being home and getting back into the swing of things. I truly feel now that my recovery can officially begin. I celebrate the fact that my treatment with the exception of being on an Aromatase Inhibitor is behind me now. The months really went by very quickly and I am seeing the signs that my body is fighting back and rebuilding itself. My hair is growing back -- my nails are growing -- all signs that my healthy cells are working their magic! At my oncology appointment this week I will most likely be told what Aromatase Inhibitor I will be starting and am hopeful the side effects will be minimal as my body adjusts to it. I am hoping that I will be back to driving later in the week. In the meantime I am taking it easy(ish.) Listening to my body and trying to not overdo it. Post surgery complication aside I have to say the pain from the hysterectomy is beyond minimal.

Yesterday Mike and I took Sully to his very first Tae Kwon Do competition. He competed in both forms and sparring. It was amazing to be a part of something so much bigger than our local Do Jang. Mike and I were so incredibly proud of our little guy. He has been practicing his forms diligently and did amazingly well. He took home a Gold medal in forms and a Bronze medal in sparring. He truly relished every moment and is wearing his medals with great pride. We all had a great time rooting for his fellow classmates. I was so truly grateful that I was able to be there.

This morning I took Sully to continue on his popcorn selling quest. We went door-to-door and he sold his little heart out. I marveled at the fact that a few short days ago I was still in the hospital taking laps around the 7th floor.

I continue to feel so incredibly blessed.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

I Pooped!

2008-10-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

As my most wonderfully amazing husband, Mike, shared in the last post my hysterectomy was uneventful.

And I am truly thankful for that. I was discharged from the hospital Saturday evening. On the condition that I return to the hospital Sunday twice for infusion treatment as a preventative measure for my bleeding disorder. My homecoming was short lived as I began feeling really sick in the middle of the night. To the point where Mike had to phone Dr. K and let her know what I was experiencing. Since I had to be back at the hospital in the morning the thought was we would access the situation there. We did just that.

I ended up being readmitted to the hospital on Sunday. At one point in between a round of super intense abdominal pain I quietly told Mike I felt like I had "shit poisoning." It turns out that what I did have was a Postoperative Ileus. (A temporary paralysis of a portion of the intestines typically after an abdominal surgery.) The best way to treat this is to be taken off all food and water until sound can be heard in your abdominal cavity. So me and my IV got to be best pals for a few days. I was then put on a liquid diet and then moved to the soft/bland diet where I got the chance to order off of the hospital menu. Just a side note; since when are smothered Pork Chops soft and bland? I opted for the Manicotti.

With actual food in my belly my mission was to poop as that was my ticket to freedom. It is truly amazing to me that with all of the medical advancements that we have made it comes down to something as rudimentary as going #2! Thankfully I was able to do that early this morning and be discharged shortly thereafter.

I am so very grateful to be home.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Great News! Hysterectomy is Hystory!

2008-09-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone,

Special guest blogger Mike here. I'm looking forward to actually sleeping tonight, so I'll keep this short.

First and foremost, I am VERY happy to report that Marla's hysterectomy went excellently. She is recovering and, although in some pain, she says it is not terrible. She is obviously spending the night at the hospital tonight -- we're not sure if she'll also be staying Friday night.

The day went pretty smoothly. We checked in at 8:15am, moved through the paperwork process and got to the pre-op room rather quickly. Surgery actually started on time (12:30pm) and I was very happy to have Ron, Sherry, Becky, Aaron, and Julie there to keep me company during my usual surgical angst. What can I say -- I'm just not a huge fan of hospitals. They smell funny and the food sucks. But at least we were at St. Jo's again -- and they always take good care of Marla.

About two hours later, (2:30p) Dr. K (not sure I'm allowed to mention actual names) came into the waiting room to give us her report. She said that when it came to the removal of Marla's ovaries, uterus and cervix, everything was routine -- in fact she was delighted to describe Marla's pelvis as "boring." Although I was totally delighted to hear this WONDERFUL news, I must argue the point -- I personally have never found any of Marla's parts "down south" to be the least bit "boring."

The second part of Marla's surgery today was to remove her porta-cath which came out "easily" and "uneventfully." So, everyone, get ready to join me a collective "thank god" as this marks the official conclusion of Marla's chemo treatment. Ready...here we go... "THANK GOD!"

So a very positive day -- and one more step towards our circumnavigation of this bump in the road. I am so proud of my Marla. I am proud of her strength. I am proud of her optimism. I'm also proud that I just used the word "circumnavigation."

As always, we are so grateful to all of you for your prayers, light and love. Life is a blessing sweetened by the presence of all of you.

Ancora Imparo.

Mike

Thank You Letter...

2008-09-24T16:10:00.001-07:00

A friend suggested as I prepare for tomorrow that I should thank my organs for being so good to me. With that in mind I would like to share the following:

24 September 2008

Dear Port-A-Cath, Uterus, Ovaries, Tubes and Cervix,

I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for serving me so well.

Port-A-Cath, we have only known each other since mid April but you have made the last five months very easy. You never failed to do your job and thus spared my veins from potential shut down and/or collapse from the Chemo Therapy and weekly blood draws. I was so very fortunate that you and I had an easy time with one another. It is with great elation that I say goodbye to you as it means that my Chemo is truly a thing of the past and I am able to move forward with my recovery and healing.

Uterus, Ovaries, Tubes and Cervix, we have been a part of each others lives for forty-four years. You welcomed me into womanhood thirty-one years ago and made your presence known every month. In the last decade you allowed me the opportunity to have a beautiful son. You provided a safe home for him to grow and develop in until it was time for him to make his entrance into the world. You served your purpose magnificently. My decision to have you removed is a difficult one but is incredibly necessary for my continued health and well being.

I am eternally grateful for all that you have given to me and provided to me over the months and years and from the bottom of my heart I thank you.

With deep respect, love and gratitude,

Marla

Healthy Diversions...

2008-09-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

I awoke yesterday getting a little anxious about my surgery on Thursday. I had an inkling this was was going to happen. As I prepare I am reminding myself that my journey still has a long, long way to go. And that this surgery (and those to follow) will continue to put me on the path to full recovery and healing.

As a way to help calm my anxiousness I gave myself a new mantra which is -- my journey is different from my Mom (Linda) and Step Mom (Jacki) and will have a much better outcome. In addition to the mantra I continue to hold onto the image of Mike and I sitting in our rockers in our retirement.

The day progressed and I found myself busy with pre-op appointments which included an EKG and Chest X-ray.

I asked Bonnie F., the magnificent facilitator of my support group, for any tools she might have to assuage my nerves. And she suggested that I visualize my desired outcome and remind myself that right now I am alright; safe and whole. I took the time to think about this and allowed myself some quiet time to stop and take deep cleansing breaths and chant my new mantra. This definitely helped (and continues to.)

I picked up Sully from school ready to take him to a few more places to sell his popcorn for cub scouts but was greeted with an unhappy face and droopy eyes. Once I got him in the car his nose started to run and he started to cough. Poor little guy. Thankfully our pediatrician was available and confirmed it is a viral bug that will work through his system. He stayed home today with Mike while I went to dentist to have my permanent crown put on -- only there was a little SNAFU. My tooth or more aptly the dental pulp had irreversible pulpitis. (Which explains why it has been hurting.) So three hours later after a deep cleaning and some packing into the root I was sent on my way with an upcoming appointment to see an Endodontist for root canal once I recover from surgery.

That is really the reader's digest version.

Honestly, I think these diversions have been good for me on many levels. Not that I want Sully to have a cold or that I want to have a root canal but I do think that they are my little reality checks to not get bogged down with what is coming up. Simply put these things force me to stay in the moment.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Kids Say The Darndest...

2008-09-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend Sully asked me what a hysterectomy was. He said he has heard me talk about it so much and he didn't know what it was so he wanted to know.

In order to tell him this I had to give him a brief anatomy lesson.

I love how we have these amazing talks during our day to day activities. This all took place while we were walking through the neighborhood selling popcorn for Cub Scouts. I explained the purpose of the uterus and what ovaries and tubes are. I told him that we knew that the cancer I had grew because of my ovaries (I chose to not get into the whole hormone discussion about estrogen.) So by having this surgery I would be protecting myself. I asked if he had any other questions and then a short while later before he was completely wiped out from the door-to-door popcorn sales he asked me "when I grow up will I get cancer because you breast fed me?" I took a deep breath and said "I hope that you never get cancer. And I can say with certainty that my breast feeding you wouldn't give you cancer." I mentioned this conversation to a friend she said she always says none of us know these things.

While I think there is honesty and validity to this I also think this is not the answer Sully was looking for. I pray that he and Mike never get cancer. And while it is true that none of us know what will happen -- at the age of nine these are some of the conversations that we have. It is such a blessing that we can have them. That Sully is able to articulate his thoughts and fears and feels close enough and comfortable enough that we can talk openly.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

A Time for Mourning...

2008-09-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

In my group today one of the amazing women brought up that she is beginning to mourn for her breasts as she prepares for her surgery. I've expressed before that I never felt like my breasts made me the woman that I am. But I think it is always difficult to lose a part of you whether it is physical or emotional. It's not like I was so cavalier about my initial surgery that I had no emotional attachment to them.

In addition to the mourning we also discussed the concept of attachment to something versus connection. So while I was attached to my breasts the connection to them and my femininity is not something I ever felt. As I prepare for my upcoming hysterectomy I am thinking about my uterus and how that is a different story for me. The connection between my uterus is the link to a fundamental purpose that we (and it depends on what you believe) were initially designed for. That purpose, the ability to bring a child into this world, is being removed. And it happens to women all the time -- my circumstances are no more unique or special than any other woman who has had to make this decision... But I find it interesting as I begin to really process what it means.

I continue to keep my eye on the big picture. Being here when I am old in my rocker with my dear husband next me and celebrating all of the many life events to come. I also continue to feel so truly blessed to have the support that I have.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Mole No More...

2008-09-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Tuesday,

Yesterday afternoon was my mole removal adventure. The entire process was really quite quick. I didn't feel much except for a little tugging and pressure when the DOC was putting the stitches in. It looks like I have 4 of them and I have been told they will dissolve. Surprisingly, I didn't have to have my head shaved and the 3/4" scar will be hidden nicely in my hair line. I left the office feeling as if I looked like one of the "Yankee Doodle" soldiers with my head bandaged up -- all I needed was a piccolo. Thankfully I was able to take off the bandage this morning.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair...

2008-09-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

A quick visit at the revolution health website today answered a couple questions that I had about my new hair.

Yep, alert the press, I have some new hair coming in. Not enough to go sans schmatta (scarf/head carving/rag) but enough where Mike and the ladies in my support group noticed it was growing back in. It is too early to tell what color it will be and what the texture will be. Some say red, some say brown, some say blond. I can assure you it is not blond. The blond I see are a few grays that are trying to make their presence known. But it is growing in nonetheless.

Apparently hair grows at the rate of 1 cm per month.
So in six months to a year I will have a new head of hair.
I am mighty excited about this.

I just noticed that the angle of the photo gives you all a nice visual of the mole that is scheduled to be removed on Monday. Since it is a little deep and requires a few stitches I will be getting my dose of DDAVP (clotting factor I don't produce [for details read blog post: Slow and Steady... from 5/1/08]) prior to its removal.

The fatigue seems to be making a little come back. I am sure the new "back to school" routine has something to do with it. I am taking it easy and resting when I need to.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Does Cancer Make you Selfish?

2008-09-03T10:23:00.000-07:00

There have been so many things that I have learned and continue to learn about myself while I am on this journey. Mike and I were having a conversation the other day about being selfish. In my pre-cancer life that is not a word that I would attribute to myself. However now I can see that I do possess some selfish qualities. I am not so sure it is a bad thing. A lot of people might relabel selfishness as self preservation or some other catch phrase that takes the negativity and finger pointing out of it. But what does it really mean? To me, it means that I am making a greater effort to put myself first. It doesn't mean that I am ignoring the needs of my family and friends but I am striking a balance between my needs and others. As opposed to putting others needs before my own and then whatever is left giving to myself. I suppose it is all part of growing up. Or better yet evolving into my best self.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Blessings Around Us...

2008-08-31T16:43:00.000-07:00

Mike, Sully and I had the pleasure of going to our dear friend S's new office -- where it was blessed and several Mezuzahs were hung by our local Chabad Rabbi.

It was an honor for us to be there for this special occasion. I truly enjoyed hearing the Rabbi speak.

The basic idea of what he shared from the Torah portion this week is that blessings are continually around us if we allow ourselves to be open to them.

Mike and I have continued to see the many blessings in our lives during the last several months. We continue to be thankful and grateful for so much.

The Rabbi's message certainly wasn't new but it was a validation of how we feel and how we choose to lead our lives.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Playing Nice in the Sandbox...

2008-08-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

Howdy Folks,

My new friend, Tamoxifen, and I are trying to peacefully coexist.

I am only scheduled to be on this for another four weeks until my Hysterectomy (9/25). I can tell you that the side effects are real. According to the National Cancer Institute not all people (men are put on this too) have side effects. I am just lucky I guess. I am doing what I can to not let them get the best of me. For the most part I feel like I am succeeding. The biggest challenges I have been feeling are the fatigue, swollen ankles, persistent nausea and a new one, bloating. I am hopeful that my body will acclimate soon to the Tamoxifen and the side effects will subside or the four weeks will breeze by and I will no longer be on it -- either one is fine.

Now that I am done with Chemo (it has been 4 weeks and 3 days since my last one) I am able to take care of a few things like visiting the Dentist and the Dermatologist. The recent trip to the Dentist illuminated the fact that I have a cracked tooth under a crown so I get to take care of that this week. The recent trip to the dermatologist led to a biopsy of two moles. Amazing what you discover when you no longer have a head of hair. It turns out that out of the two biopsied one needs to be removed while it is not skin cancer (thank g-d) but it does have the ever so slight potential that it could turn into a melanoma. So my DERM heavily suggests having it removed now and since I am waiting for my hair to grow back in there is no time like the present.

That's the update for the moment.

Wishing you a Happy Labor Day weekend.

Be sure to tune in and watch the Stars come out to support Jerry and his Kids.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

A Little Bit of Tired...

2008-08-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks,

Thought I would share that I have been having a little bit of tiredness since I last blogged.
Okay -- a lot of tiredness.

Wednesday I felt like a walking Zombie.
Thankfully, yesterday I did not. However today... I am a little tuckered out but gratefully I do not feel as much fatigue as I did the other day. Not sure if it is due to the Tamoxifen or due to the Chemo assault of the last few months. Or possibly a combination of the two. Just to be safe I went to see my ONC yesterday and had my levels checked. I am slightly anemic which may have something to do with the fatigue. Not enough to be put back on Iron or to worry about. He will keep an eye on this and remember he was my Hematologist long before be was my Oncologist. All other levels including my tumor markers are good.

I also learned that the pie extravaganza in Julian added on 3 pounds! Oy!

My ONC stressed that it will take at least 3 months to get my energy back from the Chemo. So I will continue to listen to my body and rest and SLOW DOWN when I need to.

Have a great weekend.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

A Change of Scenery...

2008-08-18T17:38:00.000-07:00

We got the chance to get a change of scenery for a few days with my BIL J (and what a change it was.)

We headed to Julian, CA and indulged in all things Apple.

Apple Pie, Apple Cherry Pie, Apple Boysenberry Pie, Apple Cider,

Apple Caramel Pecan Pie, Apple Pancakes, Cinnamon Rolls, Cinnamon Twists, Maple Pecan Cinnamon Rolls and King Leo Toffee

We made it our mission to seek out the best tasting pie (and other sweet treats) -- which wasn't too hard. Everything was delicious.

Now, lest you think all we did was eat we did see all of the sights in town and out of town.

Which included:

The Stonewall Mine
Digging for tourmaline at the Himalaya Mine
(I happily sat under the canopy and caught glimpses of M & S's finds)
The Julian Museum
The Julian Cemetery
The Julian Jail
Wynola
Dudley's
Lake Cuyamaca
The Santa Ysabel Casino (M & I had a "date night" -- thanks to J)

We had lots of opportunities to relax -- which gave me the time to read and write in my journal.

Here are a couple of things I wrote:

A change 0f scenery.
A chance to recharge and refresh.
A respite from doctors.
We marveled at the beauty outside our windows.

Kindred Spirits

A lone lady sat at a table at the neighborhood coffee house.
Her head covered in a khaki scarf mine in burgundy paisley.
I smiled at her as we approached the entrance.
She smiled back.
We shared a moment.
We exchanged simple pleasantries and then my family and I went on our journey.
Would I see her again?
What was her story?
Where was she on her journey?
Did she seek solace in this seemingly secluded place?
Does it matter?

The Julian Cemetery

Climbing the railroad tie steps bordered by an apple orchard we entered the old cemetery.
Seeing folks whose lives ended so long ago we said their names aloud as a way to honor them.
104, 98, 89.
Lots of soldiers from various wars.
Several infants and the Wolf Boy (still not quite sure about him.)
A big wind blew through the trees --
I closed my eyes and felt the wind around me enjoying the peace and serenity of this place.

We were all so grateful that we could take this trip and celebrate my being finished with Chemo.

Now that we are back I have been diligent about the treadmill -- maybe it is the inspiration of the plethora of older women athletes in the Olympics or the fact that I feel like a great big blob after all I ate while away -- whatever the case I am trying to get back into the daily exercise routine. I have started taking Tamoxifen -- so far nothing to report. I am hopeful it will remain that way.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Another Step Forward...

2008-08-11T21:01:00.001-07:00

Greetings!

I had my weekly appointment with my ONC today.
My levels are really, really good post Chemo #4.
And I don't have to go back for 3 weeks! Yippee!

My ONC gave me the thumbs up that I can move forward with scheduling my port-a-cath removal and hysterectomy for the end of September (both can be done during the same surgery.) I am waiting to hear the official date it is scheduled for.

I picked up my Tamoxifen prescription today. Since I have two antibiotics left from my sinus infection I will start the above mentioned on Sunday. I want to give my self a chance to get that out of my system before introducing something new.

Mike and I met a prospective reconstruction surgeon today. We saw what the expander looks like and held both saline and silicone implants. It was quite an education. We have a lot to think about as we continue to navigate down the reconstruction highway. Since choosing delayed reconstruction we have time to look at all the options. Based on my size and my bleeding disorder the flap procedures (and there are a lot of those) are not in my best interest. I will be going with expanders and implants and there are 4 phases to this choice which take about 1 year to complete. There are a few more surgeons that we want to contact before we make our final decision of who we will go with.

I loved all the comments on the last blog posting.

Your continued support has made and continues to make a huge impact on my healing and recovery.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Damaged Goods...

2008-08-07T16:00:00.000-07:00

An interesting point was made in my support group today. Someone said they felt like "damaged goods" -- that their cancer diagnosis and treatment has left them feeling like less of a woman.

This remark made me sad. I have never felt for one moment during all of this that I was damaged and I have never felt like I was less of a woman.

I know everyone who has ever dealt with this disease is on their own personal journey and people process things in their own way.

Do I like the fact I am dealing with Cancer -- NO!
Would I change places with someone else so I don't have to deal with this -- NO!
Do I feel like less of a woman because my breasts are gone -- Absolutely NOT!
Do I feel like I am less of a person -- NO F'ing Way!

I have a lot to be grateful and thankful for and I know it. I count my blessings daily. My beautiful husband, son, family and our incredible circle of friends have made a tremendous impact on my healing and recovery.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Graduation of Sorts...

2008-08-06T15:06:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

Happy Wednesday! It is one week since my last Chemo and it has been quite an interesting week. I recovered nicely from my Friday wonkiness but did not feel quite back to normal. As it turns out in the wee hours of Tuesday (3A actually) a sinus infection hit me like a steam roller -- I tried to meditate on the sinus pressure/pain, I tried some visualization, I tried to ignore it and then I let out a few expletives and made my way bleary eyed into the kitchen where I took Tylenol and Sudafed and then went back to bed. A quick call in the morning to my ONC and I was picking up a course of antibiotics. Thankfully they have begun to kick in and I am feeling more energized and more like myself. I am continuing to take the time to really rest so this infection does not linger.

Today I had my last day of physical therapy. I was officially discharged. The ladies that have been helping me to regain my mobility are true angels. When I started they were concerned with my post mastectomy range of motion. And since I want to have reconstruction surgery we had our work cut out for us. My upper body needs to be strong enough to support my new breasts and I needed the ability to raise both arms up above my head -- a task that was not possible when I started a few months ago. Now I have full range of motion and exercises that I can continue to do on my own to keep stiffness from setting in and maintain the mobility.

Several people gave me the advice to keep moving when I started Chemo and I think that really helped to get my mind (and body) in motion. I am very grateful for that piece of advice.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Breast Cancer Strikes Again...

2008-08-03T17:20:00.000-07:00

Looks like breast cancer has just struck again.
Christina Applegate was just diagnosed and it was made public.
The link below is one of the articles that was just posted.
http://www.monstersandcritics.com/people/news/article_1421183.php

Personally I wish her only the best. I am sure she has a brilliant medical team and a lot of support both personally and from a far. The fact that she has a family history (her Mom battled breast cancer) is probably one of the reasons she was being monitored so closely and it was caught so early.

To all you ladies (regardless of your age) please make your appointment for your mammogram, ultra sound or MRI -- What are you waiting for?
Mike and I love your support and don't want to see you affected by this.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

A Portrait of Wonkiness...

2008-08-01T18:45:00.000-07:00

Just in case you were wondering this is what wonkiness looks like.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Chemo Watch...

2008-08-01T13:57:00.000-07:00

Greetings from the couch.
It is Friday and my usual post Chemo wonkiness has set in.

I am watching a so-so movie that is helping to pass the time and ease some of the blah-ness I am feeling. I am grateful that this is temporary and look forward to feeling better and better in the days and weeks to come.

It looks like I will be starting on Tamoxifen (taken like a vitamin) -- not sure when so I will keep you posted and then following my hysterectomy I will be switched to an Aromatase inhibitor (AI). Figuring out which AI will be based on a bone density test and a few other factors.

Your thoughts, prayers and support continue to truly help all of us as we navigate down the path towards healing and recovery.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Chemo Four...

2008-07-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

Just a quickie to tell you that I had my 4th and FINAL Chemo yesterday.
The earthquake was certainly a diversion.

I just got back from the hospital a short while ago to get my final neulasta injection. A big thanks to J and M for the company.
Now I am off to take a nap and munch on some ginger snaps to fight off the nausea.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Bad Dream...

2008-07-28T08:42:00.000-07:00

I had a huge anxiety dream the other night.
In my dream it was Tuesday, 7/29 (tomorrow) and I had taken Sully somewhere and at 10:30A I suddenly remembered that I was scheduled for my last Chemo only I had forgotten (up until that moment) and I hadn't taken any of my pre-Chemo meds and I was now a half hour late. I immediately called the office and explained the situation and was told to come back next week or the week after -- I was really upset by all of this and I pleaded with the oncology nurse on the phone that it was my last one.

Thankfully, it was just a dream.

And the truth of the matter is if in fact my counts are really low tomorrow and I am told that I can't have Chemo I know it will happen at the right time when my counts are high enough for my body to handle it. I don't think that will be case. I am feeling pretty good.

My last Chemo is so close. I look forward to saying goodbye to this part of the process. I am ready to focus on regaining my strength and rebuilding my stamina.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

And yes, I started taking my pre-Chemo meds this morning!

Summer Fruit and New Shoes...

2008-07-26T21:20:00.000-07:00

This past week went by very quickly. In a few days I will have my last Chemo. And in a few weeks I am hopeful that my pre diagnosis energy level will begin to return.

I spent some time at weSpark this week attending my support group and creative writing.

In creative writing our facilitator passed out nectarine slices as one of our prompts -- as we took our slice our time to write began. This is what I wrote.

It tastes like summer
It smells carefree
It looks like a slice of the sun

So what does it mean to me?

Summer is a stress free time
An opportunity to move at an easier pace
Somehow the pressure of spring, winter and fall melt away during the summer

I am not sure why this is --
Conditioning of childhood
Longing of a simpler time
Being tucked in at night
Being read to
Being nurtured

I look at the children at play and think don't be in such a rush to grow up
Relish your youth
Like the nectarine slice take small bites to savor it
Maybe that way it will last a little bit longer

Our next prompt was "New Shoes" this is what I wrote.

There is nothing like a pair of new shoes. The Psychic told me several things when I had my session with him six years ago. He said her hair is long, she is laughing, she is pain-free and she has lots of shoes.

My Mom always had a tremendous sense of style from head to toe. She passed her love of shoes onto me.

When I finally outgrew having to wear black and white oxfords in a double "A" it was glorious --

I could be like the other kids and get Keds -- Red Keds and Blue Keds. Those simple sneakers became so important to me. I was no longer the skinny kid with the "special" shoes. I was a regular kid.

I look forward to the new week and celebrate that my last Chemo will be completed.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Worth Sharing...

2008-07-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

So I got an email from a friend today who asked me a couple of questions so I thought I would share a bit of the email chain.

I want to know how you are doing?
How's your health- in all respects?

Hi,

Great to hear from you.

I have responded well to all treatments thus far and have been using all of this as an opportunity to be very clear about what my wants and needs are...

Physically I feel really strong and Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually even stronger.

The blog that we started has been extremely cathartic.
I am able to select what I want to share with others...

I am uncertain about the future from a "career" standpoint as I have said farewell to the work I have done for so many years and have no idea where I will land once I am given the all clear that I can return to the workforce.

In the meantime I go to the Cancer support center whenever I can and take a myriad of classes there. My favorites are Tai Chi and Creative Writing. I have yet to take part in the energy work that they offer but will be scheduling that this week. My support group has given me a lot and I have had the opportunity to speak with a couple of women privately who are now at the beginning of their own personal journeys. I was even asked to be part of our local hospitals "breast friends" network (in association with the American Cancer Society) -- so I feel like I am doing something right. :)

Just last week I picked up the guitar and started playing again which has been a tremendous feeling.
It has been close to 10 years since I practiced.

I continue to be truly grateful for all that I am able to accomplish in a day. I know that a huge part of my healing is due to the incredible support, prayers and love that continue to come to all of us.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Creative Outlet...

2008-07-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

Greetings,

My week included two great visits to weSpark where I participated in what I have found to be my favorite outlets there. My support group of course which I continue to get so much out of as well as Tai Chi and Creative Writing.

It was really nice to see so many familiar faces in creative writing.
Our first prompt was listening to the Matchbox 20 song "Smooth" (Ft. Santana)
"This life ain't good enough..."

Here is what I wrote in response to the music.

Okay, so I am tapping my toes to the beat and feeling the energy of the music but am left with a sense of "Wow, I am older than I think." Not old like put me out to pasture. I like to think I have a lot of good bits remaining albeit I am currently "follically-challenged" and I suppose it right to say in this PC world "Mammary-challenged" but if we look beyond the surface I can say I have a lot to be grateful for and to offer.

That notion that 40 is the new 30 --
for me it is the notion that now in my 40's -- I get it.
It's not so serious.
It's Life.
You seek out what makes you happy and makes your own heart sing.
The constant celebration of the small things.
So you don't go around in high heels, hose and full make-up.
Who really gives a f**k.
It's liberating to be comfortable enough in your own skin -- to say
"Hello world. This is who I am -- Hairless, Boobless and ALIVE!"

I think that sums it up quite nicely for the moment.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Medically Speaking...

2008-07-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

Howdy Folks,

Time for a little medical update.
I had my weekly visit to the oncologist yesterday.
You all will be happy to know that my weight has continued to stay consistent. I fluctuate by 2 pounds weekly -- This has my doctor very pleased since he wants me to maintain my current weight. My counts were very good. White Blood Cells at 10K so the Neulasta injection the day after Chemo really did its job and the bone pain was not as intense this go around. I did still feel the little teeny tiny bones in my ears but only for a short time.

I took several questions to this appointment and received some answers that I want to share with you all.

1) Hysterectomy vs. Ovary & Tube Removal

I am leaning towards having all of my remaining lady bits removed for a myriad of reasons. My ONC is not in disagreement. A few things need to be discussed before a final decision can be reached. There are the results of one more genetic test (CHEK2) that are pending. The idea of what poses less toxicity to my system and a conversation with my OBGYN. Next week I will meet with my OBGYN to discuss toxicity and a few other things. My blood is currently being tested for the CHEK2 gene (results take close to 6 weeks.) Since my cancer is hormone receptor positive I really have to do something to curb the normal hormone producing process in my body and the idea that once off Chemo (which has thrown me into menopause) to only go through menopause again at the "normal" time seems like a twisted joke. But I will patiently await more information.

2) How long after Chemo before starting on Tamoxifen or Aromatase Inhibitor with/without Zometa

My ONC was one of the authors on the recent big study on Zometa and feels it may not be the best option for me. A Bone Density study will be needed before any decisions are made along with the final decision on question 1. If my ovaries remain inside of me (for whatever reason) then I would be on Tamoxifen for the next 5 years (taken like a vitamin) but if I am without them then I would be on an Aromatase Inhibitor.

3) Radiation

I DO NOT need radiation -- Yeah!

4) Tumor Markers

These will be monitored regularly after my last Chemo forever and ever.

The current post Chemo plan of attack is to begin the healing and recovery process for my mind, my body and my spirit and will include:

Port-A-Cath removal -- done in hospital but out patient procedure. I will need DDAVP prior (this is the clotting factor my body does not produce enough of [see earlier post on Von Willebrand's]). This may be done with the following or on its own. Since my body heals a bit slowly from surgery due to the VW my ONC wants to keep things as simple as possible since the end results will be the same.

Lady Bit removal surgery -- pending answers to questions above. I foresee earliest I would be able to do this is in early September.

Reconstruction surgery -- if all goes well I can proceed with this surgery 3 to 6 months following my last Chemo (so I am thinking somewhere between 10/29/08 & 1/29/09) -- If you know someone who had reconstruction surgery and they were happy with their surgeon please let me know.

And now for my Chemo Side Effects update. I am continuing to feel good and am grateful for the good days and the ability to go out and about and do things. I am listening to my bodies cues and trying to not overdo it. If I need to rest I rest. The last couple of days I have been experiencing an odd feeling in my lower legs (knees down to feet) -- kind of a heavy feeling as if I am wearing lead ankle weights. No need to worry -- I am checking in with my ONC daily. My ankles are not swollen and I am elevating my legs even as I type this. I will keep you in the loop. I am (with my ONC's blessing) continuing to exercise lightly during this as well.

The buzz cut continues to make me happy.

The hot flashes continue to make me hot and I seem to be waking between 4A and 5:30A daily... only to go back to sleep until the alarm sounds.

That's my medical news thanks for reading.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

A New Day...

2008-07-14T16:56:00.000-07:00

What a HUGE difference a few days make.

I went on the treadmill for a good solid thirty minutes this morning and could feel myself getting energized as each minute passed. It felt so great to be able to exercise today. I am definitely feeling tons and tons and tons better since my Chemo last week.

My mission today was to get my hair (what's left of it) buzzed. I was starting to feel like a plucked chicken and that was bothersome -- only to me but bothersome nonetheless.

A lot of folks that have paved the way before me have opted to shave their heads like Mr. Clean the first moment their hair begins to fall out.

Since my chemo literature says that "you may or may not lose all your hair"
I have been more reserved in my approach.

Mike, bless his heart, is constantly telling me that I look cute without hair. He certainly makes this journey a lot easier (that is a huge understatement) and has continued to keep me laughing. Thank G-d I have him as my partner in life.

So here is my latest look compliments of Sully my in house photographer. I am still losing my hair and that will continue until I am done with Chemo and all of the effects of Chemo have passed through my system. So who knows if I will end up looking like Mr. Clean -- for the moment I am happy with my new less plucked chicken like appearance and relishing the energy I have today!

Ancora Imparo
Marla

This Too Shall Pass...

2008-07-11T12:57:00.000-07:00

As I have shared before the Friday after my Chemo seems to hit me the hardest. This has been the pattern for the last three rounds. Thankfully I only have one more Friday to feel this WONKY. After getting Sully off to camp and gratefully being able to come home and rest for hours and hours I finally got a change of scenery and hit the couch. I just logged on (my home page is www.greatday.com) and had to share what was awaiting me as it really captured my thoughts and feelings for today.

Friday, July 11, 2008 -- Even though your morning may not have been productive, there is still much you can accomplish in the afternoon. Even though you've suffered some setbacks, there are still plenty of options for moving forward.
Even though you may disagree with what someone has to say, you can benefit greatly from understanding that person's point of view. Even though you find yourself in difficult and challenging circumstances, there is much value for you to create.
Even though you may feel like quitting, you have what it takes to keep going. Even though the goal seems far away, every step brings you closer.
Even though there are plenty of reasons for you to feel sorry for yourself, you can choose instead to renew your determination and enthusiasm. Even though your path is filled with obstacles, you can truly enjoy the sense of accomplishment that comes from successfully moving beyond each one.
Even though darkness may at times surround you, your light can shine more brightly than ever. Even though you may occasionally grow weary, there's always a way to renew and re-energize yourself.
Even though the road has its twists and turns, the journey is worth the effort. Keep going, keep growing, keep learning and loving and living with all the richness your precious life deserves.
-- Ralph Marston

So with Ralph's wisdom I am once again reminded that this is all temporary and in a few days I will be feeling more like myself.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Return of Chemo Watch...

2008-07-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Chemo Day 1 -- It has been a long day thus far.

Mike was able to take a break from his current work project this afternoon to take me to the hospital for my Neulasta injection. He has been working so hard on this project and doing an amazing job (not that I would expect anything less -- he is such an awesome writer.) Since our return mid afternoon I had a long nap (3+ hours -- clearly needed.)

Can I tell you how much I love rice and black beans -- perfect bland meal.

Followed by a Popsicle. The blander the better for me the next few days.
Your comments continue to put smiles on our faces. I know a number of you have wanted to start your own email network so feel free to email me and I will forward your email to the parties that wanted to reach out (specifically L and A) just make sure I have your email and then I can forward them on.

As always thanks for continuing to keep us all in your thoughts and prayers.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Salutations from Chemo #3...

2008-07-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

I am happy to share that Chemo 3 is behind me.

My magnificent Mike is under a huge deadline for a Disney Project (that I can't discuss) and feels absolutely terrible about not being able to be with me today -- I assured him I would be fine an he was very happy to hear that my little sis R was able to arrange her schedule and be my chemo buddy. M and I where able to talk a few briefly times during chemo (cell phones are amazing.) I am continually blessed to have M by my side and know that this has been incredibly hard on him and the rest of our family and friends.

Prior to being taken back into the infusion room I met with my Oncologist to make sure my levels were high enough to receive Chemo. Happily my white count was hire then then last week and the week prior but to be on the safe side I will be getting a Neulasta injection at the hospital in the early afternoon tomorrow to boost my white count.

One I got settled in the infusion area it was time to go through my drill. I scoped out the comfy chairs and waiting patiently for one to free up. Once settled I had my port flushed out a final time before I received an injection of Aloxi (ant-emetic) For all the hot flashes of late I certainly felt like my old self with my collection of blankets. Thanks to Beck for continuing to pile them on. We were up to four by the time we were done. And dare I say I could have used a 5th.

Thanks to Deb and Howard I was rocking out with Marla's Warrior Mix and Marla's Quiet Mix. A first opportunity to listen -- great CD's -- my kind of music. I can't wait to listen to the others.

My sis and I had some nice talks and hate a nice lunch and both had a chance to read and rest. And then we were pretty much done 4+ hours seemed to go very quickly today... Chemo was really uneventful. So far no rashes or side effects that need immediate assistance. I am quite tried so it won't be a late night. I have already had one nap and see the need for several others in the future.

I came home and dozed off on the couch and woke up to Sully getting home from another magnificent day of camp. A big thanks to N, N and J from dropping him off. He is ready for Tae Kwon Do and is kicking back and relaxing. So in another hour we will take the short walk up the street and drop him off.

While I am being reminded that I need to live in the "here and the now"or as we said in acting class so many years ago "in the moment" there are a few goals for the remainder of the week that I feel are manageable -- when we talk about healing my mind, my body and my spirit I really feel that these goals come into play:

Wednesday, 7/9
Tomorrow attend Sully's Mom's Muffins at camp
Attend Physical Therapy session (I think it is my last one)
At 2P I will need to get to the Hospital for the neulasta injection (boosts white blood count)

Thursday, 7/10
Attend my weekly support group
Depending on how I fee another weSpark Class

Saturday, 7/12
Attend Tae Kwon Do Sully's Belt Test (going from Green to Green Stripe)
Attend our dear friend Molly's "Gotcha" Day celebration

I am so grateful to have Chemo 3 behind me and the treatment phase hopefully winding down. I feel like I am moving that much closer to beginning recovery and healing.

That's our update. As always thank your keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Chemo Brain...

2008-07-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

Howdy Folks,

Happy Monday. It is the day before my 3rd Chemo and I have begun to take the barrage of meds that help me through the Chemo process. At the advice of my oncologist I have added a new one to the arsenal and I am hopeful it will help out a lot this week.

Last night we went to the mall and I met up with some ladies who are also plagued by Chemo Brain. Not the best photo of myself but the ladies look fabulous!For those that are saying "I don't get it" let me explain. Chemo Brain is a very real side effect where you at times can feel very hmmm let me just say from my personal experience STUPID (like you don't have your head) some other people say they feel as if they are in a fog. A cancer survivor expressed it quite eloquently when she said: "I exhibit signs of ADD and Alzheimer's." In my case I find that I do things that are pretty silly. And it is more than misplacing car keys (Chemo or not we are all guilty of that one!)

My first moment was while making dinner: I burned sweet potatoes, in addition I have forgotten how to turn the shower on, forgotten how to turn the shower off, checked every piece of mail I dropped into the mail box for stamps and still managed to send a letter without one only to have it returned... let's see what other moments of silliness have I had lately oh I like this, washing my hands and reaching for the soap and turning on the garbage disposal instead. I even managed to send a bill back to myself -- that takes talent. Oh and Mike and Sully and I have watched numerous programs lately that I have no recollection of. I insist I have not seen them and they smile and say yes we watched it together. To which I shake my head and say "really?" These moments definitely keep you on your toes and people have been genuinely kind so you really only feel like an idiot to yourself. I am getting in the habit of writing everything down in the hopes I don't miss something.

A friend called me the other day to tell me she had missed her Chemo appointment because she simply forgot which further validates that I am not alone. Thanks to my Cancer101 day planner (a gift from the Providence St. Joseph Breast Center) I am making all my appointments and if I remember to check I am usually on time or early.

We'll see if CB rears its head during my 3rd cycle. I try not to take it all too seriously unless I am cooking.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Ups and Downs...

2008-07-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

Every situation has its ups and downs and dealing with cancer is no different.

I am happily and quite thankfully feeling very up at the moment.

Today was a beautiful day. I went to my support group. B (our magnificent facilitator) had us start off with an exercise that was part relaxation and part guided imagery. As I sat there I had time to quietly reflect on what I wanted to get out of the group today. What question did I have or feeling or thought was I processing that I wanted to share.

I thought about the word that best described how I was feeling at that moment and for the last several days. The word was Fragile.
I was feeling extremely fragile. I was able to share why I was feeling this way and was reminded that healing is an ongoing process that takes time. I really needed to hear this and absorb this today.

Being thrown head first into (Chemo induced) menopause has definitely been filled with ups and downs. The (Chemo induced) PINK EYE that I came down with earlier in the week was a surprise. I am on antibiotics to ward off any other "surprises" as Chemo 3 is right around the corner and my white count is still low. Following Chemo on Tuesday I will have a neulasta injection to boost the white count production.

I stayed at weSpark after my group for Tai Chi -- I was incredibly grateful to be able to take that time for myself for my healing. I felt so much better and could feel the funk lifting.

I don't know what emotions I will be feeling tomorrow -- I simply celebrate how I am feeling right now and that is gratefully up.

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy:
They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
Marcel Proust
French novelist (1871 - 1922)

Ancora Imparo
Marla

The Power of The Blog...

2008-07-02T18:15:00.000-07:00

This blog has been a great way for us to share what is happening with family, friends and now beyond.

I received an email in direct response to the blog from a young mom in Burbank who was recently diagnosed with BC. Mike and I have had several conversations with her and her husband to share what we have learned thus far and continue to offer our support. Like us they have a young child and a family history of breast cancer. Tomorrow N will have her surgery and we will keep her, her husband J and daughter J in our thoughts as they take this journey.

Shortly before N reached out I met S at the Cancer Survivor Day that was held a few weeks ago. S went through her surgeries last week and has done amazingly well thus far. She too is part of the BC sisterhood. I enjoy her emails and look forward to connecting with her in person.

This is a difficult unpredictable journey and while the continued support of family and friends is absolutely essential to healing -- there is a connection about being able to share this process with others in a similar situation that is also vitally important.

Prior to my surgery and initial Chemo treatment I was given wonderful advice from several cancer survivors -- Those ladies and one very special gent made a tremendous impact on me. Their care and concern and the knowledge that they shared has helped and continues to help.

Now I feel it is my turn. If I am able to impart something that can help other people going through this then I feel like I have achieved something. It is my way of giving back.

Thank you for continuing to make me (and M and S) feel so blessed.

Ancora Imparo
Marla

What a Workout...

2008-06-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

Sully and I had a Wii Sports Bonding session late yesterday afternoon. While he really wanted me to play Lego Indiana Jones with him I respect that that is his special bonding time with Mike and personally I wanted the physicality of bowling, tennis, baseball, golf and boxing. I need Sully to make a new Mii -- one that looks closer to the new me -- sans a full head of hair.
I have to tell you it really is a workout and is so much fun that it doesn't seem like "exercise."

And there is nothing like hearing the crowd roar when you have gotten 8 home runs in a row!

Ancora Imparo
Marla

Creative Writing...

2008-06-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

While I am feeling a little tired lately which I will explain in a bit I am not letting that stop me from moving. So while I was on the move today I went to weSpark and participated in a couple of classes. It has been such a gift to be able to go and participate in the things they offer. Mike and I have met some truly special people there. I thought I would share a little about weSpark for those unfamiliar.

weSpark Mission StatementweSpark is a special place dedicated to enhance the quality of life for cancer patients and their families and friends. weSPARK provides, free of charge, a center where one can join with others to share their experience, strength, and hope. weSpark offers multiple services designed to heal the mind, body and spirit of all those whose lives have been affected by cancer.

weSpark Founder

Wendie Jo Sperber was an actress, mother and breast cancer warrior. When she was diagnosed in 1997, she was devastated, yet determined to live. She soon realized that although the physical treatment was difficult, the hardest battle was to be fought on the emotional front.

So today's classes were Tai Chi.

Which I really enjoyed.
The music was beautiful and it was wonderful to feel muscles move that have not been used in such a long time. The instructor was delightful. Such a sweet man.

Following Tai Chi I went to the Creative Writing Class.
The facilitator gives you a prompt and then you write for a few minutes and share what you have written with the other participants.

The first prompt was the song "Circle of Life" from the Lion King soundtrack.
This is what I wrote and shared:

I am thinking I am destined to take that trip to Africa and find that vessel that I discovered on my guided imagery journey -- to see that country and experience those magical people. Go on that long talked about photo safari -- see gazelles gliding -- giraffes grazing and lions at play. Sleep amongst the stars and celebrate with my family or is this music reinforcing my love for the theatre geek that I am and have always been.

There is nothing like the rush of live theatre or live TV. Now that my career has changed by choice and by my cancer where does that take me? I don't have the answer. I mean I know making myself healthy is the number one priority but I mean after that. Where am I headed? It has made me, who prefers to have all my ducks in a row a little anxious -- after all I do holiday shopping in July -- so is the lesson to not be an eternal planner? Hmmm. I have to think about this a little more.

The next prompt was the statement "Unwrapping Present"
This is what I wrote and shared:

Shiny paper package before me
Shake it
Rattle it
What can it be?
Mystery unfolding
Anticipation leads to glee
A tiny little Butterfly just for me
Porcelain wings with colors as vibrant as gems in a kaleidescope
Copper antennae
And a marble base
A symbol of beauty, style and grace
And what of the giver who presented me with this trinket?
A gift from an angel with an eye on me

The last prompt was a photograph on a card that was passed around the class for all to take a look at. It was a picture of a woman and beneath her was a quote by Dorothy Parker which read "All I need is room enough to lay my hat and a few friends". This is what I got from the prompt and what I shared:

A vibrant smile. The picture on the card symbolized another celebration of life. How many times have I seen this? How many times will I see this? Another one who lost there battle. A mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter... too many people, too many vibrant smiles, too many lives cut short, too many times to say goodbye.

Following creative writing I had a couple of minutes to sit and visit with Bonnie F. the fabulous facilitator of my in treatment support group. It is such a joy to be in a room with her. She has the most amazing smile of anyone I have ever met. Her whole face lights up. She radiates pure joy.

After this exceptional morning Mike and I headed off to my weekly oncology appointment. Like every week they check my levels to see how I am responding to chemo. Today's report is that my white count is low which leads to fatigue (thus feeling tired) -- and as a result of the lower counts I need to be on the look out for signs of infection -- you know the typical sore throat / fever type stuff and stay away from sick folks.

Off to get some rest.
Ancora Imparo
Marla