Friday, November 7, 2008

A Little Insight...

In my support group this week I shared some of my feelings that have surfaced about my mom and a deep sense of loss. Not what I have lost but more of a sense of what I feel I was not able to give.

One of our last conversations was at LAX and we were saying goodbye to one another (she and my Dad were headed to Texas.) I did not want her to leave (she was going there for a bone marrow transplant.) I remember hugging her and crying as she told me that it was her only hope. She had no other treatment option. She knew she was dying and she went and did what she had to do because she wanted to live. Unfortunately it didn't work out as they had planned and a few weeks after they left L.A. they returned back home where surrounded by family and friends she passed away.

Now, twenty years later, I like to think that my mom knows how my life has unfolded and that brings me a sense of comfort. But I also feel that emptiness that she is gone. I know in my heart that the choices she made and the bravery and courage she displayed while going through her battle with cancer have certainly given me the strength to face my journey and to attack it head on.

With the support of my family and friends I am able to embrace each day and feel the many blessings of light and love around me as I rebuild and truly recover. So what if I am feeling fatigued -- I am here!

Ancora Imparo


Anonymous said...

Some empty places in our hearts can never be filled...and those holes are eternal memorials to people whom we have deeply loved and lost. But I, too, believe that the connections between the living and the dead are never broken, and that those loved ones continue to support and uphold us from "the great out there." Your mom sounds like a brave, stalwart fighter...and her gift to you was that example. No wonder you are an inspiration to so many!

We love you.

Marilyn, Fred and Betty

Aaron said...

I can't say anything more eloquent than Marilyn. I can only add that having lost both of my parents many years ago, and having watched both of them fight serious health problems with courage and dignity, that the memory of that fight, and what they mean to me will they mean to me will always be a part of my life. Of course, there are times when those memories are much more in the present for all of us - like when fighting a battle so similar to what your mother went through.

Of course, those aren't the only times that we feel closer to loved ones we've lost. I've spent the last 8 years hearing the sound of my mother yelling expletives at the TV every time I hear Bush speak, and the presence and pride of both my parents were very much with me earlier this week when Obama was elected. In that respect, they are always with me, just like your mother has been at your side this whole time. Its part of who we are.


Anonymous said...

I would never even dare to presume to say that I can even imagine what you've been going through all this time, but when it comes to the loss part (especially when a woman loses her mother), BOY, do I EVER understand... Especially around this time of year. When those unexpected, out-of-nowhere blues come, as they sometimes do, take comfort in the fact that you have a HUGE extended family who deeply cares for you and continues to pray for your strength, healing, and courage. Love you!