In my support group this week I shared some of my feelings that have surfaced about my mom and a deep sense of loss. Not what I have lost but more of a sense of what I feel I was not able to give.
One of our last conversations was at LAX and we were saying goodbye to one another (she and my Dad were headed to Texas.) I did not want her to leave (she was going there for a bone marrow transplant.) I remember hugging her and crying as she told me that it was her only hope. She had no other treatment option. She knew she was dying and she went and did what she had to do because she wanted to live. Unfortunately it didn't work out as they had planned and a few weeks after they left L.A. they returned back home where surrounded by family and friends she passed away.
Now, twenty years later, I like to think that my mom knows how my life has unfolded and that brings me a sense of comfort. But I also feel that emptiness that she is gone. I know in my heart that the choices she made and the bravery and courage she displayed while going through her battle with cancer have certainly given me the strength to face my journey and to attack it head on.
With the support of my family and friends I am able to embrace each day and feel the many blessings of light and love around me as I rebuild and truly recover. So what if I am feeling fatigued -- I am here!