My last fill-up was this past Wednesday. I learned that expanders actually have a fill capacity and that I exceeded that capacity by 85cc's on each side. This means that when I have my swap surgery it will be easier as there will be plenty of room for the implants.
I asked the amazing Dr. B what my new size will be... I mentioned I didn't know if I would be an "A or B" and was greeted with bulging eyes by both he and his lovely nurse and a very loud "G-d no!" I wasn't trying to insult anyone it is just a difficult thing to figure out at this stage... for many reasons -- one being that when I began the reconstruction process I was concave and now am convex-- that is a little baffling (in a good way)... once my surgery is passed and I have recuperated from it I have no problem going to my local Victoria Secret to be properly fitted for new bras -- something I am actually looking forward to doing. Since I am in a sharing mood -- here is a little tidbit that both Mike and I gleaned when we were working on that brilliant chat show, "The Other Half." Apparently there are many women out there that don't wear properly fitted brassieres. If you feel you may be one go to your local lingerie store and ask to be fitted. The sales associates are usually most happy to assist you and you won't believe the difference a good fitting bra makes. Okay enough of that soap box.
This new week is my "I am back in the work force week" -- and while I have not started anything yet I have been actively phoning in to the temp agencies I am registered with each morning.
Since I didn't have work today I was able to go to my support group this afternoon. We talked about the post treatment process and what this is like to deal with. I believe I may have said this before but the emotional aspect of my diagnosis, surgeries and chemo have been a much more difficult part of the journey than going through the actual treatments. With the exception of the Illeus which just sucked on every level.
When you go through treatment you follow a certain blueprint that has been outlined for you. Your a "good little soldier" going from appointment to appointment. Your oncologist or surgeon tells you a lot of things to get you mentally prepared... your body changes as a result of surgery or chemo or radiation... but the emotional aspect is a tricky thing. You are forever changed in some very profound ways and I am not talking about the physical changes. I am talking about the internal changes. The things that people can not see by looking at you. It is as if you have this alternate dialogue going on at all times. And it is important to deal with and talk about and release. Mike and I have had numerous talks about this past year and what it has meant and continues to mean and I am forever grateful that he is my partner and that we are able to talk with each other and share. Additionally, I am so blessed to have the love and support of my family and friends. Even Sully has let me know his thoughts. He thinks that since chemo I repeat myself "a lot" when I am not happy with him. While I want to say "look if you listen the first time I ask I wouldn't be repeating myself" I stop and I listen to what he is saying and I think there is probably some truth there. My patience is not what it was and if that is as a result of the chemo or full blown menopause or at all even related to cancer treatment it is important to hear what he is saying and to be there to listen to him.
So as I continue to figure all of this out I thank you for continuing to be there for all of us.